How the social butterfly choked
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April 20, 2017
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How am I so social outside of the classroom but when I have to discuss in class, I choke? I can talk to almost anyone, and I have even been known to talk over people in class. So how come when we have a discussion quiz over a book that I read and understood, I cannot bring myself to say anything? I think it’s the fact that I am scared that what I say is not going to be intelligent enough compared to the others. But, it’s a discussion, so I guess nothing anyone says is important.
In front of other classes, like The Central Trend, I can talk for ages about things going on and I also input my suggestions all of the time. I don’t understand why I get nervous about talking when it’s for a grade. I know I will kill my grade if I don’t talk, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I am not dumb either, I have good grades and I try my best in most classes, but sometimes I get anxious over small details and I can’t bring myself to calm down.
Testing, in general. is not my strong suit. I would rather write a twenty-page paper, and express my feelings that way, than talk in front of my whole class. It’s nothing against the way that teachers choose to test people, it’s a personal hurdle that I have to overcome. Before college. Before I have to present in front of coworkers once I graduate college and find a job. Before I continually get worse and cannot even communicate. It’s not like I can’t think of things to say either. I sit in class and come up with responses to everything that is going on, but when it comes to physically saying the words, it isn’t an option. I can physically feel my grade go down in the class. I sit there and watch everyone’s name get marked, and mentally kept track of everyone who speaks out in the class. I am the only one out of sixteen that won’t talk. When I realize I’m the only one, my anxiety increases because I know everyone else had input their opinion and I will sit there feeling confined and watching the clock hoping the class will end soon. After the forty-five-minutes discussion is over, I take a breath that burns my throat because it is over. I won’t have an opportunity to get a grade, but I also am free to leave and stop worrying. Why do I choke… why can’t I muster up the words and discuss what happened when I know every answer?