My 94 days of searching for light at the end of the tunnel

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The time span between November 1st, 2016 and February 3rd, 2017 is 94 days. This is the amount of time I spent in a state of grey, gloom, and wretchedness.

It was just an average day – nothing was expected to disrupt my routine but something did. I was altered and changed into someone that I never viewed myself as.

November 1st changed me. My life became a stirring pot of dark, grey clouds, similar to the consistent weather of dreary and boredom, further contributing to my 94-day span of utter despair. It was the day that I began to deeply question my future and all that I came with it, thinking that there was no light at the end of the tunnel because my plans were not going accordingly.

I had visions of myself as a happy, intelligent bright person; however, I do not have the golden ticket to take me there. I began to think that my life would end up as something other than I have pictured for the past 17 years. I used to think of myself as someone who could make a difference. Perhaps this is meant when one says they want “to change the world.” But I was slowly beginning to think that this would not happen, as I was not given the tools to help me achieve it to begin with.

On November 1st, I strained and distanced myself away from others because I felt like I could not be the happy person I wanted to be others. I felt like a disturbance or an interruption to an already coordinated and planned daily routine.

Things changed for me. Things went my way, and after 94 days of dark and gloom, I was genuinely happy. ”

I wasn’t myself for 94 days. I was continuously asked, “Are you okay?” or “How have you been lately?” I wouldn’t call my 94 days a depression; I just wasn’t myself. I did not recognize these feelings. I was let down and I let myself down.

But there was a happy ending…

On February 3rd, I was altered back to my original state. The clouds slowly removed themselves from the sky and the sun began to beam on all and everything that was around me; it was nearly an act of God.

Things changed for me. Things went my way, and after 94 days of dark and gloom, I was genuinely happy. I was given Hope and enlightened with a path that would guide me to the person I always envisioned myself as, or the person that had the ability to educate herself in a world that would allow her to make a difference.

My 94 days taught me how to fight, even when the odds were against me. Not only did I fight for myself, but I fought for others and what I believed was right. I learned how to persevere when every ounce of my soul wanted to give up.

Reflecting on this, I’ve realized that my 94 days wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I learned the value of waiting for “my time,” even though it seemed liked waiting an eternity for a sign of Hope and a future that I would be happy to have.

I know I’ll go through 94 days again, whether it be in a month, a year, or in a decade. But the next time I go through 94 days of a continuous grey gloom of uncertainty, I now know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.