My 94 days of searching for light at the end of the tunnel


The time span between November 1st, 2016 and February 3rd, 2017 is 94 days. This is the amount of time I spent in a state of grey, gloom, and wretchedness.

It was just an average day – nothing was expected to disrupt my routine but something did. I was altered and changed into someone that I never viewed myself as.

November 1st changed me. My life became a stirring pot of dark, grey clouds, similar to the consistent weather of dreary and boredom, further contributing to my 94-day span of utter despair. It was the day that I began to deeply question my future and all that I came with it, thinking that there was no light at the end of the tunnel because my plans were not going accordingly.

I had visions of myself as a happy, intelligent bright person; however, I do not have the golden ticket to take me there. I began to think that my life would end up as something other than I have pictured for the past 17 years. I used to think of myself as someone who could make a difference. Perhaps this is meant when one says they want “to change the world.” But I was slowly beginning to think that this would not happen, as I was not given the tools to help me achieve it to begin with.

On November 1st, I strained and distanced myself away from others because I felt like I could not be the happy person I wanted to be others. I felt like a disturbance or an interruption to an already coordinated and planned daily routine.

Things changed for me. Things went my way, and after 94 days of dark and gloom, I was genuinely happy.

I wasn’t myself for 94 days. I was continuously asked, “Are you okay?” or “How have you been lately?” I wouldn’t call my 94 days a depression; I just wasn’t myself. I did not recognize these feelings. I was let down and I let myself down.

But there was a happy ending…

On February 3rd, I was altered back to my original state. The clouds slowly removed themselves from the sky and the sun began to beam on all and everything that was around me; it was nearly an act of God.

Things changed for me. Things went my way, and after 94 days of dark and gloom, I was genuinely happy. I was given Hope and enlightened with a path that would guide me to the person I always envisioned myself as, or the person that had the ability to educate herself in a world that would allow her to make a difference.

My 94 days taught me how to fight, even when the odds were against me. Not only did I fight for myself, but I fought for others and what I believed was right. I learned how to persevere when every ounce of my soul wanted to give up.

Reflecting on this, I’ve realized that my 94 days wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I learned the value of waiting for “my time,” even though it seemed liked waiting an eternity for a sign of Hope and a future that I would be happy to have.

I know I’ll go through 94 days again, whether it be in a month, a year, or in a decade. But the next time I go through 94 days of a continuous grey gloom of uncertainty, I now know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.