I stand in front of a doorway with an empty area beyond it. It resembles a room, but it’s much more than that. It was once a room I spent multiple hours a day in, half asleep, reading, writing, watching TV, gossiping, talking, and laughing. Now, it is distant, with the same shape, but different in every other way. I haven’t stepped foot in this room that used to mean so much to me.
The room holds so much of me in it. I learned, grew, met new people, saw people leave, even left myself, but always came back to that room. I had a connection there. I felt seen and cared about in that room, even through the faults and holes I approached.
A thing I think about so much is the thought that you’ll never know when you’ll see someone and do something together for the last time. There are people I saw for the last time years ago, and never knew it then. It makes one think about how much we as people take for granted. There was once a room where I planned to spend many more years and hours in, but after one day, it may have been my last, and oh, how I took it for granted. It wasn’t only the room, but also the environment. It was the first time in a certain community that I had an area where I felt truly relaxed and belonged.
This may now be overdue. I have sat and pondered this change for long enough now, but something about it felt so prevalent recently. All of a sudden, I’m aware of everything I’ve lost, all that has changed, and how I have changed. I’m now aware of what I’ve missed and lost, of what can never be returned, and probably never forgotten either. I can’t time travel, or rewrite history, and so many opportunities I never realized I had are now gone.
I’ve lost people and things I could never see, touch, or use again. I’ve lost experiences and opportunities that I cared so much about, and now have lost all contact to attempt and reach.
Now I’m lost. The path I thought I had paved for myself has been covered with freshly blown sand. I thought I had everything understood and controlled, but now my ideas and mindset are one large crumpled piece of confusion. I’m so lost, and I have reached a point where I don’t know how to find my path or fix it.
The room has moved on. It’s evolved, changed, and found its own path. But somehow, I am stuck back where it used to be. I’m behind, and so, so confused. The room has new, yet old purposes: to do everything it once was for me for someone else, and while it has its purpose and path, I’m afraid I still don’t have mine.
Maybe my path has ended, but I don’t think I want it to. I think it is hidden somewhere, maybe not even paved yet, I just don’t know how long it will take to find it.
I stand in front of a doorway with an empty area beyond it. It resembles a room, but it’s much more than that. It was once a room I spent multiple hours a day in, half asleep, reading, writing, watching TV, gossiping, talking, laughing. I miss the room, but I need to move on, even though I thought I already had. I have reached a low point, and now it’s my time to change, start fresh, grab some paint, and create something new.
