Everything I do has to be perfect.
In my mind, I pave a path for everything to follow perfectly down. No flaws, no errors. In everything I do, I seek the perfect outcome.
If my grades fall beneath the perfect level, I enter a battle with my own mind. The pressure discontent places on my shoulders weighs me down; it continues to intensify with every minuscule mistake I make. The feeling of displeasure rests in the back of my mind and remains there forever— like an engraving in a dark cave.
If I make a mistake, I often feel as if my entire world will change its direction. My mind fills with stress over receiving the perfect test scores or running the perfect race. No matter how hard I try to let it go, I am unable to put my mind to rest over the simplest of issues. I fight to not let my emotions take over my life, but no matter what, it seems nearly impossible to allow myself to fail. Failure should not scare me, yet, somehow it does nearly every day of my life.
Failure is the devil resting on perfection’s shoulder; it whispers in its ear and attempts to tear it apart. When I fail, the feeling of perfection I desire to have intensifies. A day with many failures can break me apart, piece by piece. The perfectionist inside of me can’t stand to see things travel down a different route, especially one often less perfect than the one I dream of. I try and try to erase the ultimate need for constant excellence; however, I never can remove the feeling from deep inside of me. It will remain there for the rest of my life.
Desiring a perfect outcome for every situation may not always be terrible; however, it certainly places a burden on my life. Trying to remain optimistic can prove to be a difficult challenge when the feeling of unhappiness is shadowing your vision. Attempting to expunge the cloud of discontent from the back of my mind is the largest challenge I face head on every day.
I take tests with an open mind and tell myself to not be upset with the score I receive. I run races allowing myself to remember that it is okay to have an off day. These small things will affect me no matter what I do; they slowly feed the cloud that rests at the back of my mind. They put a shadow on everything I do.
That dark cloud drips feelings of failure, discontent, and unhappiness onto the perfect life I so greatly desire to have.