“MOM! Come kill this spider!!!” -Me, yesterday afternoon.
When asked as a kid what you are scared of some may say spiders, the dark, or heights. And even now, as we are in high school some may say spiders, the dark, and heights. And now they could add relationships, a falling GPA and so many more. But what I am scared of doesn’t really fit into any category.
I am scared of time. The essence of time terrifies me. Time is defined as a limited period or interval, meaning there is only so much of it. And that is what I am scared of. It’s not watching the hours go by, it’s the ticking of the seconds when I know I could be doing something else. It turns my mind in one million different directions.
I hate watching my life go by. I want to stop it at one moment and fast forward in others. It bugs me how it feels as if two years ago I was in my 4th grade classroom saying goodbye to everyone. It all goes by so fast, that you have to catch it in the prime times.
It’s the feeling of not having enough of it. Not having enough time to do everything I want to do.
When I came to the realization that I had this fear, I took to Wikipedia wanting more information. The fear is called chronophobia. It usually inhabits the elderly and prison inmates, but these days it seems more and more apparent in teens who spend their days and nights indulged in school and homework. When I read about this the one thing I made sure to read was the “causes and contributing factors” section. Many of the factors had to do with being old and death looming over your head, being put into one place for a long period of time and a traumatic experience in one’s life. But my reason wasn’t any of those. It wasn’t traumatic, I wasn’t put into a small space for a long period of time (unless you classify that as a car), and I’m not old and about to die. I am 16 and I watched my life go by for three years without any validity. And now as I am realizing it, I see that it needs to change.
Being terrified of time has put stress on me when at work, school, and the things I am forced to do. It shatters my mind, as well as my concentration levels and there is no way to face it. You can’t just look at a clock and say “I’m facing my fear of time.” There is no cure. There is no way to face it, and it is something I have to live with and face every day.
Watching my life go by is something that I hate. I hate not being able to stop it when I want to as to enjoy those times. I look at the clock at 2:30 and then after what feels like ten minutes has turned into an hour, and now, I am out of that time. I am not going to watch my life go by; I am going to make something of it, and face my fear.