I will scrape until there is nothing left


Kristal Terziu

The shadow of the person I want to be, when the real me is not enough

Scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Trying to give you more of me. 

Trying to find something unexplored, untouched, and ultimately innocent about me. 

But I have a peculiar feeling that no matter how long I scrape or as tightly as I hold on to the parts of me I know already exist,

it will never be enough to receive the praise I used to. 

More, more, they say. 

I want to respond, questioning why all I have given isn’t worthy, but instead,

I will keep digging. 

I will keep doing as I am told. 

I will keep breaking down the walls in order to once again enter the innermost corners of my life, until I find the soul that was once beautiful. 

The soul you want.

And yet even though my efforts are noble, you still want more.

What shall I do when there is simply nothing left?

And how long will it take before I lose myself trying to find the new me I am supposed to be?