It’s hard finding something to look forward to when my days seem to repeat in an endless loop. I’ve never had a large problem with boredom or being able to find an activity to do; in fact, usually, I can’t stop my mind from urging me to do this or do that.
But this past year has created a new, unfortunate mindset for me. Now, my days are filled with mindless staring at my phone with my screen time receiving a heavy blow in the process.
My once industrious days are now repetitive and leave me far too much time to question every part of my existence. Why aren’t I skinnier? Why can’t I have more money? I wish I had her room. I wish my hair was perfect. On and on it goes, leaving me not only stuck in an endless loop but also spiraling into self-hatred.
As time went on, my self-esteem was slowly corroding away until only a tiny morsel was left.
But then I stopped, at least mostly. I still find myself drifting towards my phone in moments of boredom, and I’ve come to realize that comparing myself to every individual around me has become a skill I can’t expel.
But I’m slowly returning to my previous state, trying to replace the hours I spend on my phone with honey.
I’ve always had a love of honey. I enjoy its natural sweetness and the fact that its flavor could vary so much depending on the flower it was crafted from.
Now, honey has a much different meaning to me. Now, I visualize being snuggled up in a blanket while filling a book with sketches, journaling on my soft bed, taking a long walk with my dog, and taking the time to do my skincare routine when I hear honey.
Honey has become how I refer to the sweet activities I rarely get to enjoy that I crave. They leave me with the same feelings honey has always bestowed upon me: warm, satisfied, and craving more.
But just like with honey, I only allow myself small amounts of these sweet treats. When I allow myself a sweet that I yearn for constantly, there comes a point where the sweetness becomes overwhelming, and I can no longer stand my previously craved snack.
The same thing can happen to the things I love. Allowing myself to indulge in activities I love too often only ends up with me regretting that choice and being reluctant to do that activity again.
So, I save my honey treats for small pockets of time I find throughout my week. I set aside time for my skincare each night, knowing that it will leave me refreshed the next morning. Instead of drifting towards my phone, I try to pick up a pencil and draw what’s been on my mind.
Yet, there come times when the thing I truly need is to spend time on my phone laughing at my For You Page on TikTok and shopping for clothing I don’t need. I allow myself those times, but I also remind myself that honey can become bitter—leaving a bitter aftertaste and regretting my choice.
Through these repetitive days, I remind myself to find those spoonfuls of honey and allow myself the sweet treat of indulgence.