The silence in my head demands constant noise

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Living in the moment in my horses quiet stall without worries rushing through my head.

A single second isolated is the cause of my thoughts swirling. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t live in the moment or sit and be still. It’s challenging for me to be in one place outside of being on my phone, communicating with friends, or listening to music. 

I will admit it; silence is difficult. When I am in a time of silence, I feel as though it’s awkward. It’s as if I need to step up and speak my mind. I cannot be separate from my phone, others, or any other slight distractions. If I’m alone and it’s quiet, my head overflows with contemplations of anxiety. There are also times when I feel that going on my phone is necessary. Distracting my eyes will take my mind off of the tension that I have around silence—the worry about the cumbersome quiet between the people surrounding me. 

This directly corresponds to the fear of silence when I am on the phone talking with others. I panic at the uncomfortable hush of sitting on FaceTime with nothing to say. I try to find something to distract myself from not speaking. I find something purposeless to talk about or start scrolling on social media. 

Standing in the shower or perhaps sitting in the car single-handedly feeds my mind with deliberations that I don’t personally wish for. Furthermore, sitting in the car without music playing from the radio fabricates overthinking that makes me shake and dive head-first into panic. The melodies within my car deflect these thoughts, and that is why they’ve become my constant companion. Whether there, in the shower or on the phone, music is the border blocking my feelings.  

A single second isolated is the cause of my thoughts swirling.”

In addition to silence, it’s always been a struggle for me to be in the moment with another person. Sitting in silence with another person gives me more anxiety than sitting alone. The quiet sets my mind up for more overthinking. “Are they mad at me?” “Do they not want to be with me right now?” “Are they having a good time?” 

I’ve been working on improving these imperfections. The more time I take with myself, the less I feel overwhelmed by the lack of sound. The silence in my head may demand constant noise, but I can fight to make noiselessness enough.

The more time I take with one person helps me to realize that sometimes just being with someone that you care about can be okay, even in awkward silence.