I’m a Mess Who Needs a Janitor.
January 20, 2016
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday are spent babysitting; Thursday is spent tutoring or volunteering. Friday is spent working, typically from 4-10:30 pm. Saturday is spent working from 10-4ish pm and even sometimes picking up a night shift from 5-9. Sunday comes around, and I’m also working 10-3pm. Repeat.
Each week this has been my schedule, and I’m running out of gas, motivation. My work ethic in school is diminishing; I get so stressed out about it that I just end up staring at my work instead of doing it. I’m picking up extra shifts that I know will overpower me but the number of that paycheck is too appealing to care. In two weeks I’ll be taking the ACT, right after my exams (if I’m not already brain dead from them). Then right after that, I will be preparing for the SAT on top of everything else. When people said junior year is difficult, they weren’t kidding. I’m drowning in work to the point of shutting down both mentally and physically. I barely have time to even breathe. I’m soaked in essays, equations and books.
I’m drowning and I don’t know what to do. I’m a sixteen-year-old who feels like they’re just zipping by dates with only deadlines in mind. I feel as if I’m not living; I only care about my work and school, nothing else. My life is no life, it’s a deadline with an upcoming due date. I’m not happy at all with anything I’m doing, my GPA is not where it needs to be, my paycheck is too low, my ACT and SAT pre-test suck. I’m upset and deteriorating.
I check my phone every night before I go to bed and see feeds of my friends going out, teens going to games, parties, movies. I’m in envy of those around me; my friends and peers are all enjoying their junior year and I’m incredibly jealous of this. My senior year is coming and I have not done any remotely fun besides getting excited about test scores.
Just a while ago I went out with a friend on a Monday night, it being the only day we could go with our busy schedules. The sad part is that I could not remember the last time I was out having fun before then. Realizing this, I broke. I broke down crying about how my time is being thrown in so many directions with no control. Having a free night just talking to a friend was so needed for me; I had completely forgotten how good it felt to be with someone and not talk about school, college, and tests. Just being social with people around me is being thrown out the window – I’m finding myself saying I’d rather study than go out or ‘I’m free Sunday night – might as well pick up another shift.’
Being so focused on school and the future, I’m not thinking about the present. My mind is caught up in the day, months, and years ahead of me so much that I’m not living now. I’m utterly terrified that my senior year I’ll look back and not be happy. Not have experiences, friendships, or impacts that I can take with me. I’m so ready for my future self that I’m not ready to let go of my past self, someone who hasn’t even gotten the chance to live, have fun. I am scared that I have literally become a flowing ghost, no connections with the living, nonexistent in the now, a floating hunk of nothing.
The idea of taking things one day at a time, conquering my schedule, and living in the now is a task of much more intensity than I think I can hold within. I’m unhappy, stressed – I’m a mess who needs a janitor.