The circles in my brain are leading me down a path I can’t follow


Allie Beaumont

My many unfinished journals that haunt me with there blank pages

I used to write many stories much like this one every time I was upset about something.

It was never that I was consistently angry, sad, or overwhelmed, it was just that when I was feeling that way, I would write about it to get it off my chest. I did this for months, and the majority of the time, it helped. 

I didn’t always publish the stories, although a lot of the time I still would, despite their overall depressing tone. It was my coping mechanism. My way of explaining to the world that a perfect exterior has never made someone a perfect human. 

I went through stages of exploring poetry. I wrote column after column, pouring my real emotions into every word and then turning it in as if the website was the holding ground for my pain. Simply the storage unit where I filed my issues hoping that by publishing my problems, it would make them go away. 

But for the last couple of months, I haven’t been doing that. I haven’t limited my emotions to four hundred words. I haven’t punched at my keyboard till the letter falls off. I haven’t even written down the real thoughts in my head in what feels like forever. 

But I still have those feelings. I still get angry, sad, and overwhelmed. Why don’t I write about it anymore? I look back at my old stories constantly trying to retrace my steps from point A to point B, but it would seem I walked in a circle from which I can not escape. 

I can only hope that I have grown, and that’s why my stories dwell on the happier spectrum of life, but I would love to once again feel a sadness that only writing can solve, for writing is my passion. 

You’re probably thinking why on earth would one wish for salty pain to roll down their cheek and onto pages filled with problems. Unfortunately, I don’t have a straight answer. 

The best I can explain it is that writing used to be me validating my own problems, and without it, the problems still exist but instead of being filed away on the website, they remain circling my brain. 

With only three columns left to be written, I am going to do my best to make each of them count. I am going to find a balance between fake emotions, and private emotions in an attempt to rekindle the flame that is my passion for writing.