I still don’t know who I’m going to be

A+picture+of+me+and+my+best+friend%2C+Jadelin%2C+doing+something+that+makes+me+who+I+am%2C+even+if+I+dont+understand+who+that+is+yet.

Morgan Young

A picture of me and my best friend, Jadelin, doing something that makes me who I am, even if I don’t understand who that is yet.

I’m not fifteen anymore.

I have been sixteen for one month, sixteen days, ten hours, and thirty-six minutes.

Now that I am sixteen, I no longer sit on my bed with Taylor Swift’s lyrics floating through my head or out of my phone’s speaker. 

“I didn’t know who I was gonna be at fifteen.”

These lyrics no longer apply to me, because I am not fifteen anymore.

My whole life people have told me that I will do big things—that I will be something big. I struggle to see this, because I don’t know who I am supposed to be yet. 

Swift made me believe that I would have found myself by now. I would know who I’m supposed to be, and I would know what my future would look like. I know nothing of who I’m going to be. Sure, I know what I want my future career to be, but that could change. It has happened multiple times since I first thought I knew what my life would look like.

As I look ahead to my future, I realize how close it really is. Now that I’m a junior, I realize that I only have a couple years left with my parents here at the end of each day. Soon I will have to live with the support of parents who no longer live upstairs.

I often wonder how my life would be different if I knew who I was going to be—if I knew what I was going to do. What if I could put these “big things” people keep referring to into my schedule, so I could make sure I will get them done—so I don’t let people down.

As I look ahead to my future, I realize how close it really is. Now that I’m a junior, I realize that I only have a couple years left with my parents here at the end of each day.”

Am I letting people down because I am still unsure of who I am going to be? Am I letting people down because I don’t know if I will end world hunger or change someone’s life? Am I letting the people who truly want to see me succeed down, because I am a junior in high school, and I still don’t have any idea where I want to go to college?

It’s not that the people in my life are forcing me to figure these things out; sure the pressure is there, but it’s not forceful. They are letting me figure it out at my own pace, and giving suggestions—sometimes a little too heavily—into my future plans. I just feel as though I should already know these things. I should already know that I am going to get married, have three kids, become a billionaire, and end world hunger. I should already know exactly what my life is going to look like in ten years, or fifteen, or thirty. 

These thoughts weigh me down like a fifty pound weight that I am being forced to carry around. They make me believe that somewhere, someone is thinking that I will achieve nothing, because I’m still in the dark about what my “destiny” will be.

When will I know what my “destiny” will be?

I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to find out, and it’s just not happening. Where is my instruction manual on life? Where are the directions, neatly laid out exactly like on my math homework, that tell me exactly how to live to achieve everything I am supposed to? When does my fairy godmother appear from the clouds to tell me I’m doing just fine and bedazzle my gown before telling me to be home by midnight?

I didn’t know who I was going to be at fifteen, but I don’t know who I am going to be at sixteen either. Everyone tells me that this is okay, and that this is normal. How am I supposed to believe that in a little over a year I will be all on my own? I will have to have myself together, and know what I want for myself. I only have a year to figure all of this out, on top of figuring out college, band, and high school.

Now that I am sixteen, how do I find out who I am going to be as quickly as possible, because I have no time to waste? At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

I keep telling myself that I have a deadline to figure out my life, and what it’s going to look like. I keep telling myself that everyone else has things figured out, so I should too.

As I observe my classmates, and the adults in my life, I’m slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that no one knows who they’re going to be yet. No one knows what they’re lives entail, because humans can’t see into the future. 

Swift may have made me believe that I would know who I am going to be by now, but I’m starting to figure out that no one does.

I might not know who I’m supposed to be yet, but maybe that’s okay.