I find my escape in words no one will see


Ellie McDowell

My Google Drive storage is full of words I will never let the world see.

I tend to lose myself in the worlds I create.

I have a whole universe built in my mind that the world will likely never see.

I make up stories to tell truths I wish I could say out loud, but I never let anyone see them.

I find it easy to lose myself in the words I wish I could say. I write them down in one of the numerous documents filling my Google Drive to the point that I can’t edit those documents anymore. I delete documents I filled with words years ago and never completed. I continue to write on documents I will never show the world.

I have a world that I created. It’s a dystopian world with a strong female lead. These are my favorite types of stories to write. I think it’s because I wish I could be a strong female lead. I feel like a background character in my own life, so I write pieces of myself into girls who could rule the world if they wanted to.

My characters often look like me. Curly, brown hair with eyes that shift between blue, gray, and green. They have my fears and anxieties too, but they don’t let it stop them like I do.

The world will never see the beginnings of the novels I will never complete. I’m scared of the judgment, but I also enjoy this small bit of solitude. This piece of me that I can pretend is something greater.

My strengths are amplified within the pages of girls who can do anything they set their minds to. This constant rearrangement of the same 26 letters will never cease to give me a place to be myself.

The stories I let the world see are enough vulnerability for me, but a part of me wonders who I could be if I just let the world see these pieces that I keep to myself. If I just let the world in a little more, who could I become? I wonder, but I’m too scared to find out.

I feel like a background character in my own life, so I write pieces of myself into girls who could rule the world if they wanted to.”

The worlds I create have become an escape from a world I want to run from. A world that is full of fear and hurt to compliment the love and acceptance. Sure, my dystopian worlds are often full of hurt and heartache, but at least those worlds I can control.

If I don’t want people hurting, I can write in a scene full of love and happiness. I can write something that will contradict my own emotions, hoping that it makes me feel just a little better.

If I can’t find an escape in the world around me, I will happily find one in the worlds I build. Worlds where no one can hurt anyone unless I let them. Worlds that can’t end unless I let them. Worlds I can control.