September 21, 2023
The day started out frigid with a dense fog hovering from the nearby Thornapple River. Sitting on the bus, I felt motivated; something about the hazy air made me feel like I was a prominent writer who has a deep metaphor for all that I write.
By the time 10 a.m. rolled around, it was sunny and gradually warming. The previous motivation had dissipated, and it became a normal day. Nothing was pushing me towards any goal. I was just living.
The ever-changing weather has always been a downside to living in Michigan. I get ecstatic when it snows, and all of a sudden, it turns 60 degrees and bright. Then, I am enjoying the unusual warmth, and it begins to snow a few hours later. The weather is capricious and adds another layer of uncertainty to my already chaotic life.
It is also deceiving. The fog covers the earth, making everything look blurred with a gentle gray overlay. Then, the clouds lift, and the reality of defined colors and shapes come back into focus. The same can be said for snow; everything is covered with a beautiful, thick layer of white powder, but the sun peeks through, and soon, all that is left is an unflattering brown slush encompassing everything in sight.
The weather will build my hope up, then let it crumble to pieces. A short, warm trend will begin in the spring, and I will be romanticizing the upcoming beach days and breaking out my aesthetic summer outfits. Then, the spring wind will drag the low temperatures back, causing my summer dreams to feel out of reach and the outfits to return to their hibernation. Contrarily, I will hope for one last day of fresh white snow, but all that I am left with is dirt-infested leftovers from the previous snowfalls.
The thing about the weather is that it isn’t about the weather at all.
It’s about people: changing, getting my hopes up, and deceiving me.
It’s about peoples’ personality changes, which leave me mentally drained trying to comprehend how to react. It leaves my mind racing asking is it because of me? can I help? what if my earlier action caused them to change? why did I do that? Of course, personalities are bound to fluctuate, but sometimes it affects me more than others.
It’s about the revelation of true colors. When the fog lifts, and you can see that a certain person isn’t all they were sought out to be. That they seemed trustworthy and true before becoming a deceitful peer.
It’s about people leading me on. Acting nice and gracious, making me believe that maybe the relationship could be something unique and cherished. Then they show me that it was simply convenience, and the relationship belongs to someone else who is not me.
It’s about making me believe that the anticipated invitation may actually come, and I will actually be chosen first in a group instead of last. It’s about my conversations being heard instead of filtered out, and that I’m not simply there to listen to other people but they want to listen to me too. It’s about them coming to me because they actually choose to and not because there is no one else around or they simply feel bad for me.
Luckily, there are a few people that are true to me. Whose invitations come, who will listen, who chooses me first. When the few are absent, I’m left feeling anxious and alone, simply hoping for sunny, 60-degree days.
On that morning, I studied the fog and compared it to people. I compared it to people resting on your life and leaving at a minor inconvenience or when something better comes along. People change and I am completely aware that it’s normal, but it bothers me. I’ve lost so many people already and every time it scares and depresses me. I miss who used to be in my life and I find myself hoping that they could return. There is a part of me though that knows they left for a reason, and whether it was purposely or not, it doesn’t have to be my fault and I am allowed to move on.
