Every day—since the time I entered the school system—I’ve dreamed about this moment.
The scenes and circumstances sometimes change depending on the passions that influenced me in various stages of life, from applying to and enrolling in Vet Science to Marine Biology and so forth.
But this moment isn’t a dream anymore; it’s right there—waiting on the computer screen to be clicked and read—and it is most definitely not exciting. All of those dreams could not have prepared me for the cacophony of emotions I was experiencing.
Stress, relief, anxiety, impatience, terror, confidence, and worry. All pooled and mixed like old leftovers into a minestrone—oh, I think I’m going to be sick.
And why now? Aren’t I supposed to be surrounded by my parents and friends, as you see in those acceptance videos where half the time, the student is at their desk and impeccably dressed? I’m on my couch in old sweatpants.
Technically, I could still do the parent’s reaction since my mother is across the room. But I can’t work up the courage to call her over. What if I’m rejected? I don’t want to see the look on her face if that happens. I don’t want to see the disappointment she might desperately try to hide to spare my feelings.
Enough, you’ve got to man up here. Open the letter and accept the decision they made; that’s all you have to do. Then, this moment of anticipation can finally be over.
Click.
Congratulations, you’ve been accepted…
Oh, thank my lucky stars. I wasn’t rejected.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. That swirling stew of emotions that were threatening to tip over was finally tamed by the butterflies of happiness in my heart. I feel like I could scream and cry with joy and relief. I’m not a failure.
There’s no longer a pit inside my stomach, and I couldn’t be more grateful that it’s gone. Heh. I got into a college. Ugh, I feel so confident right now. Maybe I should just open one more. After all, I don’t feel that giant cloud of despair hanging over my head anymore. The next one should be a piece of cake.
Click
Dear student, we regret to inform you…
Oh. The cluster of emotions is back now, and it’s worse than before. That great tornado of despair threatens to break free, I already feel the tears gathering in my eyes.
Goodness, I was so stupid. Why did I do that? Why was I so confident? I get one acceptance, and I think I’m all that. I was so cheerful a minute ago, and now this. I just had to go and ruin it now.
I don’t like these moments. But I can’t hate them. They just keep making me feel awful, yet others make me feel joyful. They play with my emotions, can pull the rug from under my feet, and yet, I can’t stop them from happening. They are part of the moment of anticipation.
