Suppose you can imagine a large black shadow hovering over you, constantly whispering curses of the future while also dropping large stones into the pit of your stomach. In that case, that is the omnipresent feeling in my stomach. Even my favorite moments are tolled because of the rhetorical figure blocks and pure enjoyment.
Every morning, when I drive to school while the beautiful colors paint the sky, I am stuck worried instead of enjoying the halting beauty. I find myself worried about whether I will get full points for an assignment I perfectly crafted and the fact that while I’m driving I can’t capture a photo of the sky. I wish that I could drive with soft music rolling through the speakers, ready for the day, and enjoy the colors above me simply. But, the pit deepens with each pressing thought, and more stones are dropped making me nauseous with each breath.
On a Tuesday night, all I have yearned for is a few moments of dance improvisation in the near darkness so that I can reach a point of relaxation and enjoyment. When I’m about to emerge from the wall to the floor, another stone drops. Instead of the excited yet relaxed demeanor I expected, I’m nervous. Each movement is brought with a shake or a jump. Instead of a flow, I feel shaky and uncomfortable, believing everyone is judging my skills. The black shadow falls against the dark wall smirking at every unstable moment, fully responsible.
In class, when everyone else is laughing, joking, and conversing about their weeks, I am yet again, held back by the shadow, creating an invisible barrier between myself and the rest of the class. I force laughs and side commentary, but the stones weighing me down have become inevitable. I cannot feel fully content, the shadow hovering, and concealing my thoughts deep down even when I wish I could reveal them to someone, anyone. The stones, even when I thought they could not pile anymore, drop once again.
It’s awful. The feeling is so uncomfortable, like a stomach ache that can’t be pinpointed or resolved. At some points, the shadow is breached by a ray of sunshine. Sometimes the ray is in the form of my dog, and sometimes the form of a warm, comforting blanket.
At those times, I can think that everything will be okay. That my life isn’t quite a failure and look at all the great things that have happened or are to come. I use the time to breathe, a breath that isn’t quite nausea, but fresh air. I’m able to sit without holding back tears with every thought, and my thoughts aren’t required to be about all my struggles and issues, but what I’m grateful for.
During that release from the shadow, the stones safely dissolve, leaving a moment of peace.
Until the next time.
