I am in ninth grade with tons of friends and tons of homework. I always ask myself what have I been turning into and what am I becoming. I used to be outside every day after school playing with my friends and getting hurt because we played too rough. I used to have Nerf battles every day, and no matter the foe, I, of course, always won.
Now, well, it’s a different story.
Now, I have practice and homework, and I have to be the responsible person that the younger me didn’t know how to become.
I am losing my younger self but not because I am forgetting who I was. I am losing myself because of the world forcing me to be who I am not. I rely on nostalgia to make me happy, but the things that make me happy are running out fast, and I am growing up too quickly. I always said I wanted to grow up and go to college as soon as possible. I used to have those goals. I still do, don’t worry, but they are much less important. I have a bigger purpose than just moving out.
I am not as emotional anymore, either. I have found that the thing I used to care about and would cry for days over just doesn’t faze me anymore. Sometimes I feel emotionless. I don’t feel like I show what I mean. I must apologize to my friends for being accidentally angry or shut off. I guess I owe my family the same apology because I am always just a little grumpy, possibly all the time, but that’s something to ignore. Some days I feel like I’m faking emotions for people’s enjoyment and their happiness, rather than mine. Although, I do fake it for myself as well. Sometimes it’s hard to deal with change. I feel like I’m just dealing with it at a different pace than everyone else, or maybe they are just as good as me at hiding what we are feeling. Tricking myself makes life feel a little bit slower, and time with the important people in my life feels more valued.
In the end, I am happy with how life is now, but its challenges have been a worthy adversary to what my life used to be. So when I do ask what I have become, I say that I have become stronger, smarter, and better than I was before. I want to be all the things I wanted to be so that my younger self would be proud, and my big dreams are leading me down the right path. I am convinced that my determination will be the biggest part of how I complete my pursuit of happiness.
