The anticipated wait for the annual holidays was once the most indomitable feeling I ever held. The feeling when attempting to fall into a deep slumber, but instead sneaking into my younger sister’s bedroom through our Jack-and-Jill bathroom, to share our most desired Christmas gifts. The fairy-like sparkles twinkling across the childhood tree I once looked forward to seeing on Christmas morning. However, as I grow older, the magical holiday spirit of being a child fades, along with my past self.
April 1: my birthday, the day of the year I once always loved. I spent the entire day with my favorite cousins, receiving my desired presents, and building special Lego sets with my mom. To this day, I regret not spending more time cherishing such memories at the moment, not knowing they would soon turn into a short, lonely break from my repetitive life. I no longer see my family members on my birthday, and I cannot remember the last time I received a birthday present or gift from someone other than my parents. Every April 1, the same memory pops up in my camera roll: a picture of my cousins and I enjoying my birthday, together, as always.
Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays since I was young. The irreplaceable excitement and anticipation of the first knock at my door, knowing it would be time to see my family. As my family assembled around the table, we partook in the same traditional feast, savoring the cornucopia of flavors. However, during these sacred moments, I failed to anticipate the swift passing of the occasion, bringing an end to these cherished traditions, and the transformation of the Halloween festivities to come. This year, Halloween was much different from the rest. I spent my favorite holiday standing at a host stand, bringing families with young children dressed in creative costumes to their desired tables as they finished trick-or-treating. I don’t visit my grandparents, I am unable to see my cousin as he is now going off to college, and I don’t see my parents because they decide to spend Halloween elsewhere. This year, I spent that night tearing up in my dark, luminous bedroom, begging for my classic Halloween traditions and to be brought back to my childhood years, wishing I didn’t always beg to grow old so quickly.
Christmas was always the holiday I got to meet with every part of my family: both my mom’s and dad’s sides. However, this year was not the same. We didn’t have my typical yearly visit to my grandmother’s house, spending time with each of my many sets of cousins, playing games, and sharing laughing fits with everyone. Instead, this year we spent it at a Chinese restaurant, without my grandma. It was nice to see all of my younger cousins as the last time I saw them was the summer, but something felt off during the duration of the dinner. Sharing laughs was not the same without my grandmother picking a small argument with the other parents, and her beautiful laugh echoing across the restaurant. Her incredible love for sweet treats was no longer present in the Chinese restaurant, almost as if a piece of a puzzle was missing from the rest. The one piece holding the rest together was no longer there. Christmas dinner will never be the same as it was when I was younger, and I still wish I could return to the better days, maintaining a careless mindset, without a worry in the world. As I glance at the tree, it no longer twinkles, there is no more holiday shopping for hours on end with my grandmother, and even though my sister and I always grew bored within the first five minutes, I wish I had enjoyed those moments more, knowing they might have been some of my last with her.
Annual holidays remain one of the most important parts of my life as I always look forward to spending time with my intermediate family and playing video games with my sister. Despite this, things will never be the same as they used to be when I was a child, and my brain will never return to the same careless state of mind it once held. I long every day to relive such a magical day, whether it’s the night before Christmas Day or the evening before leaving for Disney World. I simply wish for a moment during the holiday season to share with my grandmother again, before she disappeared. Christmas will never be the same, nor will Halloween, and there is nothing I can do but lie in my hopeless mind and replay the heartfelt memories of my irreplaceable childhood over again.
