I’ve known you forever. I’ve given you so much of me. Our lives have overlapped so much that I’d swear you were a part of me. My oldest, dearest, and closest friends, why do I feel like it’s coming to an end?
If someone were to stop me and ask to name that certain group of people I’d call my oldest friends, I’d answer right away. Naturally, each name would roll off my tongue and I’d smile and leave without a thought to be had. That spot has been earned through late-night talks and year after year of growing up.
Now, if the question was only slightly different, it scares me to think that my answer might change. If they were to ask me to name that certain group of people I’d call my closest friends, I’m scared I would pause.
I fear I don’t know those friends I had just named earlier at all. I did. I swear I knew them so well. I knew what they packed for lunch every day, and I knew what boys they’d like to chase. But ask me now and my tongue would fall flat, leaving me silent and unsure of what was next. Our stories had always been one and the same, but only a few of those friends remained in my chapters, replaced by new characters, settings, and disasters. They no longer hold my secrets, others do now. I no longer know their dreams, they’ve found someone else. I’d miss my oldest friends’ faces of course, but we all had changed ourselves and our courses.
It’s not a sense of loneliness I feel when looking back, but fear that I’m betraying them and somehow turning my back. Is it wrong to try to leave after we’ve all been through so much? Is it betraying them to invite new, closer friends to hang out, even if we haven’t spoken in ages? I’m sure it is. It has to be. It would be a waste to leave now after what feels like a century.
We all know that we have different friends now, yet we all claim each other again and again. But somehow it feels untrue, too. I love them so much and I’d never want to hurt them, but what am I doing by staying instead of deserting?
What if we peaked all those years ago when we were different people? What if we already had our moment in the sun? Would the time just continue to stretch on as we got together for birthdays without knowing what to get each other? My oldest friends have earned their names and chapters in my life, but as shows get longer the cast begins to change until it’s a new show under the same name. I think what I’m trying to say is, I love their guest appearances and the old episodes we had, but I wonder if the show has changed and I think I have, too. They’ll always hold the titles of oldest friends, however, maybe it’s okay that this season is coming to an end.
