I have never been one for early rising. I will press snooze and push sleep out until the last possible minute before I need to speedily get ready for the day.
Once I’m up and going, at school or wherever I am for the day, I wave in and out of exhaustion. Letting myself unfocus or relax for even a moment may mean a loss in productivity as my eyes begin to close.
If I return home, my first desire is to curl into a ball on my bed or the couch and sleep, or do an activity involving sitting completely still and barely needing to concentrate.
I’ll put off cleaning, organizing, school work, and social interactions just so that I can continue to lie still and unfocused, even if it’s not sleep, simply for the rejuvenating feeling.
At night, I could be as exhausted as a sloth, and I’ll still continue to lie awake until the early hours of the morning.
Yes, I’m aware that it’s probably the result of oversleeping and doing nothing, but even days where I got four hours of sleep and danced, studied, and worked all day, I still find myself awake into the night.
The first time I remember not being able to sleep was at a friend’s birthday party, when I lay awake for hours while everyone was fast asleep. I was frustrated, but no matter what I did, nothing allowed me to fall asleep. I was tired, but I couldn’t get comfortable or relax to allow myself to slip into unconsciousness.
For years, I relied on Melatonin every night before bed. I honestly think I just took them because of the taste, but it got me to sleep quickly. I’ve stopped in recent years, but part of me wonders if that is the key to being able to go to bed at a regular time.
Basically, there are three things I’ve associated with my constant exhaustion, and also staying awake.
1: My mind is always racing a mile per minute. Sometimes, even breathing is difficult because of how much I get into my head and think about it. It doesn’t permit me to relax to a certain extent. I can physically relax, but nothing will be comfortable if I can’t turn my mind off.
2: Mental exhaustion. I may not be able to sleep at night, but that doesn’t mean all that thinking doesn’t drain me. Sometimes, looking at a book seems more exhausting than running a mile. Along with all my anxiety and worrisome thoughts, I have school five days a week, plus homework and studying to deal with. On top of that, I need to keep up on relationships, self-standards, and everyday thoughts. The accumulation of that makes it seem like my mind is the mushed-together mess of four humans, and eventually hits a point of translating directly into physical exhaustion.
3: I truly am physically exhausted. It takes all of me to admit that I definitely overcommit to things and overwork myself. Even after admitting it, I will still continue to do it nonetheless. I just have so many aspirations and ideas for what I want to do and achieve. Still, it really just drains me and makes so many things harder; I can’t choose what is more important. It makes me so tired that I get stress-induced headaches, amongst the normal ones I get.
It’s so hard to fix my issues that I have almost just accepted them. I can’t fall asleep to music because my mind begins choreographing a full production, but the second I turn on a movie or TV show of some sort, it will put me to sleep within seconds, just like rocking a baby. To stay awake, I take naps whenever I have time or rely on caffeine to keep me motivated to finish the day.
Should I take a step back, figure out how to properly relax, and rejuvenate from everything? Of course. But there are not enough hours in a day, or even days in a lifetime, to do that for myself. I’ll just take energy from the simple things. A great dance day, friends, laughing, sweets, cat naps, sunlight, and whatever else fuels me for the time being.
