As summer falls and autumn appears, the air turns crispier, and the sunlight fades to a golden glow. The leaves shift colors, and as I hear the first leaf crunch, a sudden anticipation fills my mind. Not for Halloween—or even for the start of the new school year—but in the midst of all the exhilarating aspects of the change of seasons, my birthday suddenly approaches.
I used to dream of the day I’d finally feel the weight of growing older, when the world would see me as more than just a child. I thought that the day I turned 16 would mark the beginning of the chapter where my words would carry weight and the world would finally listen. But as that day is suddenly approaching, I don’t feel my opinions bearing significance; instead, I feel like the same girl who wished to grow older.
In classic stories following the lives of castles and princesses, 16 is such a pivotal age, where one would suddenly mature. The princess, whether born into or destined to earn the throne, embodies growth and maturity–she steps into the person she was destined to become. But as my countdown ticks away, and as every second goes by, I don’t feel any more like that princess in a fairy tale. Rather, I am struck by the fact that time is fast approaching; amongst the world’s vastness, I am quietly reminded of my own smallness.
Through daydreams and stories, my mind overplays through the night. My younger self longed for maturity and self-discovery. Now, I feel like I am standing in two places at once. Part of me is still clinging on to the little kid I once was, whereas the rest of me is yearning for young adulthood, eager to see what is yet to come. On the day of my 16th birthday, I imagined I was older and somehow wiser, like the world would see me differently and somehow I would see myself differently too. But as the day I am supposed to finally see myself mature is nearing, the world is not shifting into a whole new light. Instead, it just keeps spinning, as if it is waiting for me to catch up.
I believe that the part of me that still loves the movie Frozen and playing with Barbies will always have a place in my soul. But as I grow up, I see the lack of maturity is leaving, forgetting how I used to view the world around me. Maybe 16 isn’t the finish line I had imagined, but just another step to the person I am becoming.
