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These late nights are devoted to You only, for I know You will always be ready for me.

God, I don’t know what to think.

It’s to the point that I’m questioning the beliefs I once thought were concrete and indisputable. I think I need to stop acting like I know what plan You have for me; I do not know the answers. Those are for You only. 

I’m often too quick to turn to judgement. I try to stay understanding and rational when listening to the perspectives of others, but sometimes it feels like I’m talking to someone from another planet. How can someone who calls themself Your follower be so hateful? I can’t wrap my mind around it. Above all, I keep reminding myself to love them. 

Because did You not love me first? 

Even if their opinions are different from mine, even if they believe the government of Israel is doing the right thing, even if they think our president is truly making this country great again, I have to believe that they are doing their best. Perhaps they are misinformed or simply see things differently than I do, but what right do I have to question the hearts of others? 

The late night conversations I have with You are filled with doubt, second thoughts, and confusion. Through these, I’ve found a sort of mantra: “It’s in Your hands.” That brings me peace. Knowing that You love me and will always allow me to make my own choices, no matter how many times I mess up and come back crying, comforts me more than anything in this world possibly could. 

This holiday season has once again brought to life my fears of depression and apathy, and I haven’t had much time to enjoy the highlights: opening presents on Christmas morning, spending time with family, the aroma of balsam that filled my living room before the tree was taken down. Instead of fully appreciating these treasures that only come once a year, I’ve been getting my blood drawn, adjusting my medication, and having long conversations with my parents and doctor about the next steps. Needless to say, I’m sick of not knowing how to fix my multitude of medical issues.

There are positive moments, though; the rare mornings when I wake up before noon and get to see the morning light shining onto glittering snow and see frost coating the bare branches of the tree outside my bedroom window. These brief glimpses of Your creation get me through all the difficulties. I know it’s always there for me to enjoy and stand in awe of, but lately, I’ve been distracted. Still, You’ve been waiting for me to notice all the beauty You have created. Even when I forget how much You have done for me—the fact that I’ve been blessed with loving parents who care about me, a support system that never fails, friends who will stay by my side through the hardships—You are standing with open arms every time I come running back. 

05)“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (NIV, Luke 15:20).