A loss for words

A loss for words

I can feel all of the words in my head crawling around; each one is looking for a family, a sentence. They move through my maze of a mind, continuing to hit barriers and walls that stop them from coming together.

My words get tired of searching through this maze and begin to look for an easy way out. They search for the simple sentence, their family replacement.

These words—giving up—connect with the closest others they can find. They leave their true family behind, lost in the maze, dissolving the extravagant sentence that could’ve been.

I can envision these sentences in my head. My mind is swarming with ideas just pleading to be released. Sentences with so much to say remain locked in some place where they can’t escape and be used where I need them most.

I can hear these sentences running through my mind. Up there, they are brilliant. They are full of detail, and they don’t lack depth or emotion. Yet, I find myself stuck writing empty sentences with so little to say.

Every time, I am so close to finally grasping the words I want. I get closer and closer to finally releasing them from my mind maze, yet just as I am about to spill those words onto my paper, they slip away. These sentences, words, and thoughts go tumbling back into the black pit of all the thoughts I cannot reach.

I am forced yet again to write down a sentence with my words jumbled together in the simplest way. All of the power it could’ve had is taken away because I couldn’t reach just a little further and grasp those words that were stuck in my head.

It’s irritating honestly. In my mind, I am an amazing writer. I have sentences and words that describe everything I want to say, yet as I go to release them onto paper, they quickly evaporate and vanish from my mind. Even this isn’t anywhere near what I had imagined in my head. I am constantly being robbed of becoming the writer I desire to be because everything I want to say I simply can’t.

I have come to find my mind as being a nefarious place. It is full of intelligent things and beautiful thoughts, yet it is constantly blocking me from letting them out. I am left being the only one to ever hear the sentences I am most proud of. Even my mouth can’t speak the words I think. My mind is imprisoning my best work, leaving me with nothing but those few simple words I can throw together and call a sentence.

I have so much to say, so many words to piece together. I have so many feelings I could splash onto paper. Yet, these thoughts and ideas just continue to consume my mind, endlessly filling it with the words I will never be able to say.

The maze traps my words; the endless, black pit kidnaps them, and my thoughts remain locked away from the world. The power in which these words carry could have the capability to enrapture so many people. My writing could become something I am actually proud of. However, these words don’t exist in the real world. No one else hears the sentences coursing through my head. No one else knows the thoughts I want so badly for them to know. My mind just continues to take away all the things I want to let go and want others to see.

So, I am left with this endless battle. This battle between my mind and my want to release all that is stuck in it. Every day I am fighting this war in which I never seem to win. I can feel how close I come to grasping those thoughts and bringing them to life; yet I can also feel how my mind pulls them away, winning the battle yet again. I am losing every day to this mind that won’t let me free my words. I am losing every day in this battle to take back what is mine and let it be freed onto paper. I am losing this fight to reclaim all that my mind has stolen from me.

I continue to try and bring these words in my head to life on my paper. I continue to think of all of these words and sentences that will one day escape the maze of my mind and finally, finally pour onto that blank screen. Then, I will be able to say everything I want to say. Then, I will be the writer that I am in my mind.