Lost in the identity of being you and not me


When I was young, I didn’t really know who I was. A lot of the time I would feel lost in all the things I hoped to be, but didn’t know how to accomplish them. 

So to cope with my loss of identity, I would try to be other people. I guess this was my way of attempting to fit in. It started at a very young age maybe second grade maybe earlier—I am not really sure—but I remember exactly what was running through my brain when I was trying to be someone else. I would be thinking ‘if I just imitate this person that everyone likes than everyone will like me. They have to.’ 

I would just sit in class or at home watching people’s mannerisms: how they talked, how they dressed. And I would decide ‘this is who I want to be.’ If I act like this person everyone will have to like me — they just have to. 

Unfortunately, that is not how life works because no matter how unclear I was with my own identity or how hard I tried to be someone else, I was none of those people and none of them were me. 

— I

I think in one way or another we are all influenced by the people we surround ourselves with. And looking back on it, the people I tried to imitate probably had no idea what they were doing in life either. 

And although the urge to be someone else is not nearly as strong as it used to be, even today when I know exactly what type of person I want to be, I catch myself subconsciously thinking about how I wish I could be more like this person or that person. Like adopting some of the same mannerisms as your best friend because you are together all the time, or copying a hairstyle of a tv character because it just looked so good on them, or even aching for the perfect 4.0 your sister has had her entire life. 

All these things are minor, and yet, they are still a part of me I wish they weren’t, but alas, to want is to be human and now with each passing day I find out more and more new things about myself, things that make me who I am, and form the identity I feel I finally I have. 

Each day, month, and year I grow. Grow into my feelings, my life, and my personality. And each day, month, and year I grow out of my doubts and they fade away like a leaf letting go of its branch in the fall, peaceful and without a trace. Now people like me for me, and better yet, I like myself.