I had hopes this year.

Dreams.

Expectations.

I was supposed to become happy. I was supposed to love myself. I was supposed to live.

It didn’t turn out that way.

Instead, this year I felt like I was slowly losing a battle. A battle against the world, a battle against myself, and a battle against my mind. I was constantly drowning in my thoughts; my hope was buried under the overwhelming feelings of fear and failure. I broke. I broke and I turned to my friends in time of need, and found they all turned their heads in the other direction when I needed them most. I needed help, but looked around and saw I had no one to help me.

I felt hatred. Hatred towards my “friends,” towards the world, towards myself, and towards the fact that I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love, especially not my own. I shut myself in my room many times, pacing, sobbing, and shaking because I felt unloved. I developed the worst of habits; I was faking joy, faking love, faking happiness. I was not myself, merely an empty mold of who I once was.

I was constantly asked, “Are you okay?”

I was given opportunities to speak up, to cry for help, but instead…

“I’m fine.”

I am a liar. This year made me a liar.

I am broken –broken into a million pieces, some of which are too small to ever be found again. I began this year hopeful, and so many of these hopes have been left behind. I am a new person, I have been shaped into someone new, someone I don’t know if I like yet. I strayed from my normal self, and although I lost parts of myself, I discovered some things I never knew I could have.

I found something I loved – a sport, a family, a lifestyle. I turned to the boathouse in times of need. I left everything on land and found solace on the water. I found what I was good at, and I was respected for it.

I reunited with an old friend, and discovered that they were one of the best people I had ever met. I learned to embrace the people I did have, and learned to trust them after being let down so many times. I discovered I had some people who cared.

This year, as awful as it was, still taught me so much. I learned what I need to achieve happiness, even if I’m still working on it. I learned to cherish the little things in life. I learned to look back to times when I was happy — actually happy — as motivation to keep going. I learned to break when I needed to, and I learned that there are people who are willing to help pick me up.

This year I fought, and against all odds, I won.