I have always reveled in consistency, always leaned towards the side of the predictable and unchanging in life.

With anxiety, this is almost a natural instinct. Everything that is new or different gives my brain something else, besides all that is already in my world, to wrap itself around and suffocate with over-analyzation.

I am hesitant beyond belief of changing anything about myself or my life for fear of failure, regardless of whether it’s actually aiding me or harming me in the long run.

But I know that change is good, however terrifying, and that I have to warm up to the idea of transitioning instead of avoiding it at all costs until I have to massively rearrange every single thing I’ve ever thought, felt, and understood.

So, as of today, January 17th of 2017, I have decided that for the next 365 days, I am going to change one special something about me each day until I am the person I have always strived to be.

I will document these days through pictures of my small changes and look back on how much I’ve changed at the end of the year.

This is not a New Year’s resolution or a 180 switch, rather a new lifestyle in which I look at things differently and think intensely on what would make me happier in life.

Some changes will be small, some will be big.

This morning (by that I mean 2 a.m.), instead of ripping all the skin off of my lips in anxiety and not caring whether they scar later, I put on my chapstick and left them alone. I plan on making this a habit.

When I left the house today, I put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and some tennis shoes. Not pajamas like I’ve done almost every single day since the start of the school year.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll do my homework at work, maybe next week I’ll read a self-help book, maybe next month I’ll go a whole week without missing any school, and maybe by the end of the year my panic and anxiety attack quotas will be lower than our snow day count.

I know I’m going to slip up, I know I might miss a few days here and there, and I know I will be too tired to make a change sometimes.

But despite every odd against me, I’m going to do everything I possibly can to make 2017 the year of my best me, and every year after that being okay with change and accepting it as a part of life.

Change is okay, and it’s okay that I have to condition myself to believe that.