This is the last one.

I can’t find original words to describe this experience. 

Nor can I find original words to describe my inability to describe this experience.

Both experiences remain un-unique to me. I am one in the masses. But I am also one with the masses. 

Instead, I will explain to you my concern for unmet happiness. This last year should be filled with excitement. Every finale is. 

Surely, this one will be, too. 

Surely, this one will be even better, even more extravagant, even more exhilarating, even more worthwhile for me to justify it being my last so that I can look on to the next with my hands full of memories I wouldn’t trade for the world; with my heart full of people I wouldn’t trade for the world. So I can justify leaving it all behind. For something I’ll hope and hope will match what I hold in my hands and heart. 

This is the last one.

I’ve said it before, years prior. And I will say it again, years later. Is it not just a passing of time I too have too many times complained of? 

It is merely another flip of the calendar, another restart, another ending—is it not?

More are to come, and more and more. Perhaps I have already wasted far more time than justifiable on contemplating what will happen regardless. 

This is not the last one. 

I will write this again in one year’s time. Next time, this column will really mean something. Next time will be the last next time. But at least, this time isn’t that next time. 

I have a whole year ahead. A whole year to do everything I have waited these last three years for. Have worked toward these last three years. Surely, this one will be a true finale. That is all I ask for. 

Joking. I would prefer to have another next time and another next time after that one, but that’s not going to happen. And it shouldn’t. A finale is a finale. I will leave, and I will go out with a bang. 

This is not the last one. 

But I’m going to do everything in my power to make the last last one worth it. Then, the next time I write I’ll tell you how truly happy I am. Even though it will be the last last one. 

Here’s to the not last one.