I won’t say I’m in love.

I refuse to repeat this mistake. I won’t allow myself to fall for someone out of reach, someone unattainable. Someone who could never look twice at a face like mine. A face covered in blemishes, imperfections, and faults, ineffectively disguised by cosmetics.

I fear that my heart will never encounter authentic affection, and my dreams, filled with faults and fantasies, will never come true.

I fear that no person besides me can handle the burden of a brain that is bruised and stuffed with sad scenes and trauma that can never ever be reversed or unseen.

Only a past like mine, full of fear and betrayal, can justify the slashes and scars that cover me. Some are hidden and some are visible but all are forbidden for others to see. As I sit here, I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in a cycle.

I fool myself into building up a wall of courage only to be knocked down and rejected again, to end up crying and feeling dejected again. It’s so familiar: feeling depressed. It’s like a broken record, a stuttering child, and the song of my loneliness plays on repeat.

I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s hard not to. Rejection stings like a bee or a slap across the face.

I try to convince myself that it’s not about me, that there’s nothing wrong with who I am, but it’s difficult to shake the feeling of nothingness. I tell myself that maybe I’m just intimidating, or that my strong, confident demeanor is emasculating.

I tell myself that I’m fine with being alone and that I don’t need anyone else to be happy, but the truth is, I long for a connection with someone who truly feels the same way. I don’t want to hear that they are working on themselves and see them talking to another person a week later.

I don’t want to be the third wheel or to say that I am so so happy for everyone else while I’m really thinking about the things wrong with me, wondering if I should change myself.

It’s not just about finding someone; it’s about finding someone who likes me for who I am and not who I pretend to be. I wish I could turn off the feelings of envy and hurt that come with seeing others in happy relationships. But no matter how hard I try, those feelings always linger.

Sometimes, it feels like finding someone in this vast world is an impossible task. I pretend to be independent, to be strong and self-sufficient, but who am I kidding? I want to be in love. And as much as I try to deny it, I know I’ll keep putting myself out there, hoping to find someone who feels the same way.

Maybe one day, my fantasy will convert to a reality. Maybe one day, I’ll say I’m in love. Maybe one day, it’ll be true.