12.5.23
When she was fifteen she felt like everything was happening too slowly. She felt like a minute was an hour, and a day was a year. She wished a day was a year so that she could gain that sense of freedom she so desperately craved.
When she was fifteen she thought she had everything figured out. She thought she knew who she was and who she wanted to be. It never occurred to her that people change like the seasons, and the girl she thought she was, was just a temporary thing. It never occurred to her that she would continue to change.
When she was fifteen she looked up into the sky and wished on every star out there that nothing would ever change. She wished that for the rest of her life, she could look up at the stars and know that she was the same person she always had been.
When she was fifteen she thought she knew everything but didn’t know anything. She thought she was ready for everything that was coming, and she thought she could handle it. She thought she was ready.
She’s not fifteen anymore, and although she’s not much older, she feels much wiser. She feels wiser in the knowledge that she doesn’t know everything. She feels wiser because she knows she’s not ready to face everything that’s coming, but just because she’s not ready doesn’t mean she can’t handle it.
Most people her age feel invincible. They feel like they can do anything. It’s not a bad thing necessarily, because at least they believe in themselves. But it’s not a good thing either, because they can’t do anything. They just can’t.
She doesn’t feel invincible. She feels like one tiny hit will break her porcelain skin. She knows her limits, and she knows what she can’t do. That knowledge keeps her safe. It keeps her whole.
She’s not fifteen anymore, and she wishes she was. It’s ironic, in a way, that she wishes she could go back in time when back then all she wanted to do was go forward. It’s ironic that that fifteen-year-old girl is frozen in time thinking she knows everything, and now she knows nothing.
When she was fifteen she dreamed of this freedom that she now has. But it’s daunting now. The amount of stuff she can do, what she’s responsible for, is daunting. The freedom she has is more scary than fun. When she was fifteen she never imagined it would be that way.
She’s not fifteen anymore, and she’s slowly realizing that things aren’t going to be the same as they were back then. She’s realizing that her past isn’t going to be her future, and she holds onto that as her lifeline.
When she was fifteen, she thought it would be that way forever. It wasn’t.
