Dear present me,
I am in the midst of the unknown.
Senior year has a convoluted way of tricking me into a plethora of decision-making moments, but perhaps the biggest one is where I want to spend the next four years of my life.
Ten colleges sit on my spreadsheet, eagerly awaiting my decision. Five scholarships draw closer to their deadlines day by day. Three college visits creep up on my calendar. And one senior is left in awe of how she’s ever going to decide which school is the right fit for her.
As I’m entering my final year of high school, I find myself face to face with probably one of the most monumental decisions of my life: selecting a college. With FAFSA and housing applications blowing up my email and receiving messages from colleges that I haven’t even applied to, I am reminded of the fact that one day—this year—I’m going to have to pick a school.
Which is what frightens me the most.
I thought I had already made it past the hard part.
I thought that if I completed my college applications before everyone else, it would make the process lightweight.
I thought that if I had ten colleges to choose from, it would make selecting one simpler.
I thought that if I limited my schools to only in-state and ruled out schools that were a no-go, it would feel less demanding to decide.
I thought too much, yet I can’t help but wonder: What will choosing a college mean to me?
What if I pick the wrong school?
What if I ruled out the wrong schools?
What if I’m not giving every school equal consideration?
What if I can’t acclimate to the academic rigor of the school?
What if I don’t find enjoyment at the school I attend?
These are the thoughts I dread, and their pressure only gets worse when I realize that the people around me can already envision where they will be after high school.
It makes me second guess whether or not I’m going about this whole process correctly because I only get to do it once.
At one school, it feels as though my name is being called to join their uplifting community along with their amazing business program and the success stories that have come out of it. Not to add, it also has the same colors as another dream school of mine.
But, is it too far away from home?
At another school, I found myself entrenched within the beauty of the scenery and could see myself attending there as a student. It felt like fate applying there because my uncle used to be a professor there.
But, am I interested in it for the right reasons?
At another school that I’ve probably visited every year in high school and, ironically, one that my uncle also attended, I’ve been able to navigate the campus fairly easily, and I know so many people who have gone here.
But, will it feel like I’m in high school again?
It’s so hard feeling a connection with multiple schools because I find only a minuscule interest in each of them. And though I may not know all of the answers right now, what I do know is that somewhere, someday, the answer will come to me.
So, for right now, I’m choosing to be in the midst of the unknown.
And I’m okay with that.
Sincerely,
present me
