The word “maybe” has been starting to take over my entire vocabulary. Maybe one day, maybe soon, maybe I’ll have time for this. Just maybe. I’m not entirely sure why, but it’s started to take control of everything that I say.
Something that I find hard is deleting photos from my camera roll. Over the past four years, I’ve managed to obtain around 6,000 photos in my camera roll. Keep in mind, that’s only around 1,500 days. Scrolling through my camera roll, I see random screenshots of things that for some reason I’m sure I’ll need someday, or I see old friends and new friends, and I see my countless pictures of the sunsets and sunrises I’ve seen over the past few years. Deleting photos makes me feel like I’m deleting the memories from my life. It makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, they didn’t happen, so I don’t delete photos. Maybe one day, I’ll be strong enough to convince myself to delete some.
Maybe soon, I’ll be able to give my mind a break. I’ll be able to fall asleep in a matter of seconds because maybe someday, my thoughts won’t be traveling through my mind. I won’t be thinking of the memories that I’m not able to delete, and I won’t be thinking about what terrible things could happen if I fall asleep, and I won’t be thinking about my future that I worry about daily. Maybe soon, I’ll be able to sit in the silence and just have peace.
Something that I tend to stay up late thinking about is what’s going to happen in the future. It’s scary because there’s no way to tell. Maybe I’ll get into a good college, get a good job, and live in a good area in a nice house, or maybe I won’t get into any college, and I’ll have to figure out what to do with my life. There’s a pretty low chance that that could happen, but what if it does happen? Maybe sometime soon, I’ll be able to stop worrying about the future.
I don’t know what my future is going to be like. I don’t know how tomorrow is going to go, and I certainly don’t know what my life is going to be like in four years. What I do know is that no matter what happens, I’m doing okay now. I don’t need to worry about what’s happening at this exact moment. I know what’s happening right now.
Maybe if something in the past didn’t happen, my life would be different now. Maybe if I didn’t make certain decisions, I’d have people in my life that I don’t have anymore. The truth that I need to tell myself is that it did happen. There’s nothing I can do to change it. Maybe it would be different now, but there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. It’s too late. I need to focus on what’s happening now.
Maybe one day, the word maybe won’t take over my life.
