“I don’t know what it is like
to not have deep emotions.
Even when I feel nothing.
I feel it completely.”
– Sylvia Plath
On July 29, 2023, I came across this quote on social media. I was struck by how much I related to it. Over that past year, I realized that I’ve always possessed deep emotions. Just that same morning, I sobbed over a lone flower in the grass. The feeling of intense sadness and joy at the same time overwhelmed me all at once. I admired this little flower for its bravery in surviving alone and thriving against the odds. At that exact moment, I felt so grateful to be alive.
However, there was a period of my life where I felt the exact opposite. I adopted a pessimistic, rude attitude, saving it only for myself to hear. On the outside, I scarcely changed. I talked to my friends, smiled at my teachers, and made sure always to be kind.
At least to others. On the inside, I was screaming. Constantly. Day and night, I would wrap myself up in my anxious thoughts and let them consume me. I had a rigorous daily routine of this. I woke up, plastered on my facade at school, went home, procrastinated, completed homework at midnight, and then got restless sleep inundated with worry.
This schedule continued for almost six months. In late February of that year, I knew I needed to change my mindset. That night, right after I laid down in my bed, I felt nothing.
Nothing. No emotion whatsoever. It was like a dark curtain had swept away everything swirling in my brain. I was numb, barely conscious. And then, I had one single thought.
“Wouldn’t it be better if it just stopped?”
As soon as the thought finished, I bolted upright in my bed, shocked by what I had just said to myself. When I first learned what the word suicide meant, I made a promise to never, ever consider the option. I love who I am, but at that split second, I was in doubt.
The thought surfaced from a variety of insecurities: feeling unworthy, not loved, lacking a sense of belonging, and lacking a purpose. I felt as if there was nothing left in my life that mattered; there was no reason to stay.
From that time onward, I made it indispensable to improve my internal thoughts. I kept them in a mental box at all times, hoping that they would stay locked up forever. Of course, reality soon set in, and every few days, the thoughts would come raging in a senseless attack.
Despite my troublesome days, I focused on the light whenever I could. As I spent more time delving back into my hobbies and spending time with my family and friends, I saw a reason to stay.
I felt it. The feeling of freedom, gratefulness, joy, all of it. It consumed my very being, and I couldn’t have been happier.
I know now that feeling deeply is a gift, not a curse. I used to think that I was dramatic or too sensitive, but in actuality, I was living in the only way I knew how.
I lived fully.
