Until recently, I don’t think I realized how truly affected I was by that one night this summer. I didn’t realize it until I was sitting in math class, and I started thinking about it. Immediately, I started biting my nails and zoning out just because I was remembering that night. Even now, thinking and writing about it, my hands are shaking.
I don’t think the people who didn’t come on that trip realize how genuinely scary that night was. They didn’t hear the arguing or the yelling, and they didn’t see us when we were all in a circle for hours just attempting to comfort each other. They didn’t see us putting all of our differences aside to comfort each other. That night, I don’t think there was a single person who didn’t cry. We were all scared, and they all felt guilty. They felt guilty for not realizing or understanding until it was almost too late. The people who weren’t on that trip just brushed it aside. I don’t think a lot of them truly know what happened that night. I wish they never made us feel dumb for being scared.
I hate that I feel dumb for still feeling scared. I hate that some of the adults act like we’re dumb for being scared. I feel angry that they didn’t listen to us. I just wish that night never happened. Most of the time, it feels insignificant. At least, it feels insignificant until I’m sitting in silence in class, and I start to remember that night. Sitting in class, I begin to feel the memories of that night wash over me and slowly start to drown me to the point where I don’t know if I can breathe anymore. I feel suffocated by the memories.
Now, all I can ask myself is why that night had to happen. Why did it have to happen after one of the best weeks of my life? Why did it have to happen 24 hours away from home? I wish it didn’t happen.
We never talk about it anymore. After that night happened, we had two different types of discussions. Now, it’s been months since anyone has really mentioned it. That’s why I feel stupid for still thinking about it and why I feel stupid for still being scared. It’s been months, but I’m still not fully over it. I wish we still talked about it but also I’m glad that we don’t. I also do understand why we don’t talk about it anymore. We were all scared, and they might not want to bring up more of the memories. I just wish I knew if some of the others are still even somewhat nervous about it like I am.
Now, I sit here and wonder what would’ve happened if it never happened. Would we all still be as close as we are now? I don’t really think so. That’s why I’m kind of grateful for that night, but also, I wish it never happened.
