My childish grin
My goofy laugh
My undone hair
My messy eyebrows
Made me a great kid.
I was parents’ favorite
A shining star in their eyes
Because of the innocence they saw in me
My naivety made them want to hold me in the palm of their hands,
Hoping that it would stick with me.
I overflowed with confidence
I refused to bring an umbrella when the rain cried from the sky because I would dance in the weather’s tears
Making the sun’s rays illuminate from the dreary storm’s horizon
My confidence spilled like the rain from the clouds,
It was on no timeline
It was reflective of smiles and light eyes
But most of all, it was vital for life
It was necessary for growth
Which is why I stopped growing.
I tried to grasp that innocence
And the confidence I once had too much of
But it was like grasping water,
It was like drinking the rain,
You never save more than a drop.
You fight to hold it near
As it is essential for existence
But I never saved more than a drop
Because my childish grin
My goofy laugh
My undone hair
And my messy eyebrows
were my undoing.
What poured from the sky with no end was now a drought where confidence was as scarce as water
My gifts had become torments
Things that were unraveling me
Every teenage soul plucked away at a once joyful girl until I had withered and changed into something no one recognized,
Including myself.
But I thought that’s what they wanted.
I thought they yearned for someone else to be a part of their tight-knit groups
I thought they yearned for me,
But they would rather have the costume than my truth
And I wasn’t anyone without my costume anymore
Because now my childish grin was a slight smile reserved for pictures
My goofy laugh was a soft titter
My undone hair was pulled back until I hated myself
My messy eyebrows were plucked away like the guitar strings I forced myself to abandon,
But now I know I’m suffocating in this costume
And my mask mocks any compliment that bloomed from a stranger’s lips
But the damage was already done.
My smile forever changed
My laugh forever withheld
My hair forever tortured
My eyebrows forever sculpted,
But I don’t want that anymore.
I want to discover myself, not another version
But my costume is still molded to my body.
I don’t have my own fashion
I don’t have my own taste
I don’t have my own body
I don’t have my own place
Everything you see before you is bits and pieces of what people told me was presentable
Everything you see before you was meticulously curated by the voice of conformity echoing in the emptied chambers in my head,
Empty of the innocence and confidence that used to pour out
Empty of the dreams I used to chase like fireflies through a field of speckled flowers
So now I wonder who I was before the glued-on costume
I wonder who I was when I flaunted my childish grin
And my goofy laugh
And my undone hair
And my messy eyebrows.
I wonder who I was when I was dancing through puddles and reminiscing in the rain
I wonder if I changed
I wonder which part of me is my skin rather than the costume’s fabric
But I’ll sit here and tear off every scrap of fabric until someone finally sees me
I’ll tear every scrap of fabric off until my body is mangled and bleeding
I’ll tear every scrap of fabric until the scars finally heal
Until the scars eternally marked like millions of scarlet letters burning my skin
But it’s my own skin that grew over those wounds,
At least then I’ll know that all the parts of me are now truly me
And maybe I won’t like what I find
Maybe I’ll like myself better when I was wearing that costume,
But at least I’ll know the truth.
So for now I’ll sit here, tearing off the scraps of fabric, dreaming of the day when I can say,
I like my childish grin.
