The eight commandments in becoming my best me

Katianna Mansfield

More stories from Katianna Mansfield

I am okay now
February 16, 2018

I have many rules I need to live by in this world, important things to remember and keep in mind as I attempt to survive each and every day. Until now, I had not voiced those rules in the form of a list. I did not have an organized system to keep myself balanced and okay; they were just haphazardly jumbled in my head. I have compiled a list of the rules I need to learn how to live by.

  1. Sleep. Your body needs it; you enjoy it. There’s nothing impressive about getting no sleep. The kids who function on four hours aren’t happy about it; their bragging is a cry for help. There is nothing wrong with long naps or sleeping a lot– you’re making up for all the years of three-hour averages. Turn off the lights, get Punkin to snuggle up with you, and close your eyes. It’s okay.
  2. Pay attention to the nightmares. Yes, they’re terrifying. Yes, you deal with them almost every night. But it’s your subconscious trying to talk to you. It’s everything you haven’t processed coming out in your dreams, and that’s why it’s scary. Convoluted metaphors convey things to you that you don’t want to know. In a dream, no matter how hard you try, your hand slows down on every punch in a fight with your sister? You both have never gotten into a fist fight; it means you know you are incapable of responding the way she can when you argue. Your brain doesn’t work like her’s. You love her and never want to see her hurt. You can’t put the words together to compile an argument. You are not weak; you are not stupid because you can’t form the words or yell at her without crying. Dream Mason is ignoring you and not acknowledging your existence? He’s never done that, and you know it; you are worried because talking to him makes you happy, and that’s how you work through things. His silence is a worst-case scenario. He’s not giving you the chance to save your relationship– you are helpless. You hate being helpless; it makes you so angry. These nightmares that feel beyond real and wrack through your brain and wake you up screaming– they are good for you. Just listen to them; learn from yourself. You know you best.
  3. It’s okay to talk to people, especially the ones who want to be there. People in your life want to hear what you have to say; they want to know how you feel. You know that feeling you have when you want to know someone? You want to make them prominent in your life and study them and their mind for years? Other people can have that feeling about you. You are not the only person who is capable of love. People can love you the way you love them. Crazy, I know. You don’t believe me, but you’re working on it. Talk to those who are important to you. Let Shawn, Mason, and Hailey listen to you. Don’t worry about bothering them or inconveniencing their day to talk; you are important to them. You are important to people.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are not damaged– you are a miracle. You’ve gone through so much in this lifetime of yours; other people will go through hardships too. Other people have gone through the same amount as you have and do not come out as well. You have worked so hard to get here– don’t think you did anything wrong just because you are different. You can’t relate to many people, but you have done it so you know it’s possible. You are capable of everything, and I don’t say that lightly. There is nothing you can’t accomplish; you’ve gone through so much worse.
  5. Your happiness is the most important thing. As long as you know that deep in your heart, there is no one and nothing that can overpower you. Your homework is not more important than your smile. The opinion and respect of your coworkers do not supersede the fact that you should be excited to work. You will take on anything that you put on yourself; other people do not matter. If you think failing school and living on the street for three years is going to make you happy, who cares? Do what you need to do. You will get through everything. A missing assignment, a day of missed school, money “blown” on something you want, a different college, extra work days– it doesn’t matter. Let people rant; they think their opinions are important. But what truly matters is that you know you can be happy no matter what, you don’t have to work hard and depressed to have happiness in the future. You’ll never be happy if you do that.
  6. It’s okay to say you’re hungry; it’s okay to eat when you feel like you can eat. Eating has never been your strong suit. You have something small once a day, and it’s not enough. Your body needs more. It’s not embarrassing to need or want food. Every single person on the face of this planet needs it too. Carry around snacks that you like; let yourself be happy when your taste buds feel alive for once.
  7. Open your mouth and shove your pride aside; ask questions. If you need to know more in any context to feel satisfied and not fill in the blanks with your biased mind, ask the questions you need to. Yes, ask your mother if she loves you or if she’s disappointed. Ask your sister if she still cares or if her anger with you is fixable. Ask Mason why, rather than anyone else, you’re special. Ask questions; more information will reassure your mind the way it needs to assured.
  8. Don’t hate yourself if you slip up on any of these rules. You are trying every single day, and you get better and better with time. It’s okay to not be perfect.