I own at least twenty different flair pens: a red one, a green one, two purples ones, and every color in-between — from the softest blues to the brightest pinks.

Every time we went to the craft store to get supplies for school or my latest project, I would always be fascinated by the pleasing view of the pens displayed in rows upon rows.

My favorite thing to do at school used to be to take notes and meticulously write with my pens in rainbow order from scarlet red to flamingo pink.

I would re-write my notes if I didn’t like how a specific word looked sprawled across my paper or the way my title looked perched above my handwriting.

I thought that I just liked tricking myself into being a studious person, but looking back upon my obsession with Flair Pens, I realize what I loved was the control I had over the pens, and not so much the pens themselves.

Control is something that I, as a middle school student, didn’t have. I couldn’t control things such as when I went to bed or how much homework I had, but I could make my notes look like miniature pieces of art.

To someone looking at my notes, they probably looked like a motley piece of regular paper, but to me, they helped to fix the dilemma I was experiencing in my own brain.

These—seemingly insignificant—pens provided me with a sense of regulation that I craved when so many other things in my life weren’t anywhere in my realm of control. When you’re an eighth-grade girl not many problems you’re dealing with are fixed easily.

I was too short to reach the problems at the top of the shelf, but making sure the sky blue pen came before the navy blue one provided a sense of calm to my chaotic world and made me feel as if I was six feet tall.

It made me feel as if I was taller than I needed to be — as if I could reach the top shelf. It gave me back some of the jurisdiction I used to have over my life.

Even now when my life spins amuck, I will still break out all my pens to appease my spinning brain, if only for a minute.

If only for a minute I will write with my red pen, green pen, two purple pens, and every color in-between.