Honestly, I have been brainstorming ideas for this article all week. The truth is no story or jumble of words I write will ever be good enough to explain how I feel. 

In many ways, I am happy that soon I will be able to leave my freshman year behind me—that in a matter of a couple days, I will be free. Free of being the youngest grade in school, free of not knowing where my classrooms are, and free of this terrible ending to my first year in high school.

However, there is this other part of me. A part that asks myself questions, digging deeper. “Why are you happy about it ending? Aren’t you upset that you didn’t get to say goodbye to your teachers, your friends, that your year is gone and there’s nothing you can do about it?” That part of my head seems to scold me for being ready to move on when I have so much unfinished business and traditions that will never see the light of day. 

I think everyone has that part. It’s like the eternal battle between your heart and your head. My heart is telling me “It’s ok to let go and have a wonderful summer; you deserve it.” And then my head persistently reminds me of all the things I missed. Despite being confused on which is right, I made the decision to do what is best for me. 

I will never forget this year and all the pain that came with it, but I have to remember that I have so many good memories, too. My cheer team hugging me and being proud of me after I did great in competition or the classes that I thoroughly loved. Even sitting around the dirty lunch table eating the meal my mom graciously packed for me is a fond memory. Talking with my friends about the problems we thought we had, unaware of the fact that really we should have been grateful to even be at school. 

Memories—the good, the bad, and everything in between.

I am making the choice to move on from this school year only remembering the amazing memories that I am so thankful for. 

The future might be unclear, but those memories are as clear now when I look back on them as they were when I was actually living it.