New year, new me. I have heard it over and over. Am I supposed to come out of this year reformed—a new me? Because I am not. 

I am not a new me. I am changed, but I am not new. In fact, if anything else, I feel old, worn down, tired, and maybe even a little broken. I am not the shiny present just acquired from Christmas but rather the box of broken pieces sitting in the attic collecting dust. 

Outlook, perspective, positive attitude—trust me, I have heard it all, but why is it not acceptable anymore for me to be exhausted? Why can I not sit here unmotivated, confused, and tired of being haunted by the old memories of normal? 

I look around at the blank faces on my Zoom calls, or worse yet, the black screen, and I know I am not the only one. We are lost but not in the wandering through wonderland type of way; rather we are stuck. We are paused, yet the world around us seems to be moving at full speed. Now, we have been left behind. 

I remember a time when I used to be able to scream, shout, and cry unbothered by the disapproving stares around me if my life became too overwhelming or too hard to handle. However, I feel those same emotions—I want to scream, I want to show them all I have been through, and I want them to see why my tears are justified—but I am forced to rage in silence.

Nothing about this year makes me feel new, but I do remember a time when I felt on top of the world. I used to be that shiny toy. I was young, adorable, carefree. Nobody judged me for the clothes I wore or the grades I got. Back then, all I wanted to do was grow up and be a “big kid.” My spirit had not yet been crushed but rather encouraged by the gentle hands that held me. 

Now I am a big kid, and it’s another year of growing up. It’s another year of more expectations, more people leaving me—another step closer to the adulthood I used to romanticize. And I am just supposed to smile and pretend everything’s okay. Don’t scream, don’t cry, just be okay. 

I can put on my mask, and you will see that I am “okay,” but I will never be new.