There used to be nights where the time that passed around me was obsolete until the morning’s light was blinding me. So immersed in the worlds I chose over ours, that nothing was there to take me away.

Those nights are gone, and all of me misses them dearly. Staying up till four in the morning, talking with my friends on weekends, sometimes on weekdays too. Those days in which I found solace and motivation to play the games I love.

Yet as those nights became less frequent, my longing for the companionship and comradery that came from my joy of video games increased.

Not a day goes by that I wish I was different from this. Staring at a screen, scrolling through my Twitter feed, wasting my life away. Watching the minutes turn to an hour, then several. Yet, I am trapped in this cycle that claims my time over what I truly want to do.

There used to be nights when I wrote freely, working on a world of my own. Not anymore. This head of mine wants for more than what it has. It calls out for a life with more, yet can never find the will to get up and go.

And nor can I. Why can’t I just enjoy the games I love? Why can’t I just press a simple button and enjoy myself?

It’s not that I no longer find joy in the medium—it’s still my favorite for a reason—just the will to launch a game is not there anymore. The want to enjoy myself is not there, but in its place is nothing. 

I want for more, yet I never act on it. That want for my life to be under my control, yet the constant and perpetual nothing holds me back. It is a constraint that makes me sit in my chair and watch life pass. I get up and move to my bed; I drone for hours watching YouTube.

I still love gaming, and whenever I do find the power to choose my activities, I enjoy myself. I take my time to get lost in a world beyond our own. One where I’m not even there or worrying who I am; I am just an invisible observer with no cares or plights of my own.

And those worlds take me places. I don’t see myself in those times. Yet that immersion breaks the chains of my mind and keeps me moving forward. I get invested in the characters’ costs and sacrifices, their risks, and benefits because my sedentary style of living is just static.

And that static takes over my mind. In the times I can’t find my passions, or a reason to act, the static covers my brain. I’ll think to myself that I want more than the nothing it offers, but my muscles won’t move. My body stays still.

Once upon a time, I would stay up late, lost in worlds that were beautiful and full of amazing scenery and people. Worlds that caused me to feel more than I could in our own. 

Now, I stay up late. Just up late. My time wasting away, reflecting on regretting what I chose to do. Those worlds still call to me, but I guess my phone ringer must be off. I sit in my silent reflection, wasting away with a want for wonder.

I used to spend my nights up late playing video games, getting lost in worlds till the sun’s rays penetrated my blinds. But those days aren’t mine anymore. Those days are lost, and I can only hope to find them again.