The time warp of my life won’t stop increasing

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A large field full of white flowers encompassed by a continuous log fence.

When a mundane, sedentary activity comes to a start, an exponentially rising and thought-provoking question comes to the front of my brain. Where has my time gone? 

Over the past few months, time has flown by quicker than a snap of the fingers. The fear of high school has settled down, though it is now rampant with upcoming assignments, tests, and many more problems. Sometimes, I don’t even realize that I am in high school and doing high school matters. I am fifteen and still lost, not knowing what will and has entailed my past, present, and near future. 

I will always wonder if I am changing for the better or if the change I am going through is just what I have been used to this entire time.”

— Finn Willis

Maybe it’s just my own choices. Walking in the hallways with my AirPods blasting music, going to the bathroom when I don’t need to, and talking too much with my friends in class could genuinely close the case of the discombobulated dilemma I have encountered. 

Walking my dog to the park, seeing all the new changes that are happening around me as I wander through in a trance down the concrete path bewildered yet confused me. When did all of this happen, and why am I just noticing this now? Perhaps, it is me being sucked into the anti-social box that is my phone. The one thing that closes me off from the rest of the world and impedes me from doing anything other than being shiftless and indolent. 

Understanding the changes in my schoolwork is one factor in my large dilemma, but trying to understand the changes that have taken place in people around me is a completely different thing.

Why is it that once my closest friend has become the worst version of themselves possible? There is a quote in the world that says, “Some people just change for the better.” I agree with the statement, but why is it that some individuals choose to deflect from that ideology and chose the opposite route intended? I have and will continue to try to change for the better, not for the worst. I will always wonder if I am changing for the better or if the change I am going through is just what I have been used to this entire time.

The humdrum feeling of schoolwork and homework drones on yet encompasses me whole as the days, weeks, and months go on. It feels like a monotonous sequence that plays out through my whole day that is just so engrained in my brain. I just push play and then the day goes by. 

What is this unnatural yet continuous cycle that is taking place? The apprehension of having the days just go by like nothing and leaving myself with the pondering questions of what has happened controls me. What is coming up next?