For 11 years, I was told how things were going to be when I went to college.
I blew it off; why would I think about college at eight years old? The most I did was pretend to care about the Michigan vs. Michigan State football game even though I wasn’t a fan of either team. At that time, I never thought about what I would be doing in 10 years at college.
They said that we shouldn’t cheat on our tests or else the professor would rip up our tests right in front of us and not give us another chance. They said that we had to learn to do our homework on our own terms because no one was going to check and see if we did it or not. They said that we had to learn how to manage our time well because the professors would not catch us up.
I used to never think about those things.
But I just hit the “submit” button six times.
Now I have to think about that.
It’s just a button. It should be just a button. But this button separates what is known from what isn’t. It separates my present from my future. It separates who I am right now from who I may be.
That terrifies me.
I have always liked knowing things. I never enjoy going about my days in uncertainty. I have never relished in the fact that the rest of my life past May 13, 2024, is currently a blank canvas, and I won’t be given paint until I receive at least one answer from any of the six schools I applied to.
The glass beneath my feet is thinning, cracking. I just want everything to stop moving so quickly. I don’t want the glass to shatter before I am ready. I need to be ready.
I need to know what the canvas will look like.
I miss the days when I could look idly past whatever my teacher was saying about college. I didn’t have to worry then. I miss not having to worry.
But now, that’s all I do. I constantly worry about how much time I have left in my own comfortable bed with the people I’ve known for 12 years or how much longer I have to wait until I know what paints I will use on my future canvas.
Uncertainty is one of my fiercest enemies. But I will conquer it with the strength summoned from my own fears. I will use that fear to avenge my young soul and ensure that she still thrives anywhere that she lands.
Give me my paints; I am ready.
