If I were to trace some words onto paper to curl up into a wrinkly taquito to tuck into the plastic water bottle decked out in a mosaic of colored tissue paper that I have called my personal time capsule since the third grade to open again after another orbit of the earth only to find the words I had once committed to but long ago ceased to attempt, I would say I am just fooling myself for yet another year.
Not once has that method ever worked for me, so if I am to have any change at all, let it be that I stray from the maddening of no end.
That is one change I am certain I can commit to. Really, it does become rather simple to not engage than to engage, but more often than not, the lack of engagement leads me to a wide field of tall grains, each a fruit of my regret and each growing by every passing thought that once again meets that unwise moment.
Then, is it better to commit, even to a fruitless field, rather than face the alternative?
I imagine tomorrow to be another today: a bit different, maybe a bit worse, maybe a bit better. If that is the case, then tomorrow’s tomorrow would be even more so different, maybe even more so worse, maybe even more so better. Same for a tomorrow a week from today, a month from today. Then, a tomorrow a year’s time later would hold an entirely new face. I could pass by it without a single thought that, yes, that is the same form, the same version of what I once walked by myself.
If the tomorrows are so unique from each other, then certainly so would every possibility that each one holds, every possibility for a change in season, change in expectations, change in heart, change in action.
Since it is better to commit, even to a fruitless field, rather than face the alternative, I find that commitments are not so foolish after all. It was only foolish for me to excuse what I did not want to engage in as a mad endeavor. Mad or not mad, crazy or sane, I will tuck away this note into a wrinkly taquito capsuled into the bottle plastered with an odd assortment of decorations for yet another year.
