Thanksgiving is a nation-wide celebration. Most Americans use this holiday to meet up with their families and discuss everything they are grateful for that year. They sit around a table with a ginormous Thanksgiving meal. A traditional Thanksgiving meal consists of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, candied yams, green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, and some desserts like pumpkin pie.
Now, I think the pilgrims could have picked out better foods. The turkey usually ends up being dry and tasteless. The stuffing is too garlicky. The mashed potatoes are just too milky and runny. Gravy is only good if Colonel Sanders makes it, and cranberry sauce is just upright gross because who eats turkey with cranberries?
I hate most Thanksgiving foods, so here are the food substitutes I would have picked if I were a pilgrim.
1. A bucket of extra crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken– A substitute for turkey.
I seriously think that turkey is so nasty. I hate the texture, and it’s soggy if you put too much gravy on it. The taste is mediocre; if seasoned correctly, it can be pretty good, but since I am pretending to be a pilgrim, and the only way I could get seasoning would be by stealing from Native Americans (which I would never do ), it would taste like an old couch cushion. That is why I am substituting it with Colonel Sanders’s tasty chicken. Originating in 1952, this chicken is a classic and familiar taste for most Americans. I like how the skin tastes because it adds extra flavor. That is why I picked extra crispy.
2. Texas Roadhouse Rolls– A substitute for biscuits.
I know that rolls are trendy at most Thanksgiving dinners, but no rolls will compare to Texas Roadhouse rolls. Thanksgiving rolls are more like biscuits. They are hard as rocks, but to be quite frank, they might be the best part of the entire meal, and that’s me being generous. I just like bread, but if we substituted Texas Roadhouse rolls for the tasteless, unsavory biscuits served at the dinner table, I believe more people would eat them. Especially if we had the mouthwatering brown-sugar butter to put on them.
3. McDonald’s fries– A substitute for mashed potatoes.
I genuinely just like fries better than mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes are essentially thick potato soup, which is disgusting when thinking about it. There is nothing extraordinary about mashed potatoes. They get cold super fast, and then you are eating a half-cold meal while feeling like you’re biting into a grainy piece of runny sand. Fries are more low maintenance than mashed potatoes if salted correctly and not left out too long to be stale. McDonald’s fries can be the perfect substitute for mashed potatoes, and parents do not have to worry about their kids not eating anything other than dessert on Thanksgiving.
4. Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo from The Cheesecake Factory– A substitute for macaroni and cheese.
Mac and cheese is good, but I have eaten it way too much over my lifetime. If your favorite food is macaroni and cheese (especially if it’s from a box), you are most certainly a picky eater. It is genuinely not a meal to die for. The cheese smells like feet. You can get macaroni with any other tasty authentic sauce, like alfredo sauce. The creamy garlic sauce you can only find in America is unlike anything I have ever tasted. Chicken fettuccine alfredo is an excellent substitute for macaroni and cheese because it adds a twist to traditional food—a more fancy twist.
5. Grilled Cheese from Starbucks — A substitute for candied yams.
Candied yams and a Starbucks sandwich have nothing in common, but I just do not like candied yams. I do not think you’d ever catch me with a plate of sweet potato marshmallow casserole on my plate. If you see that on my plate, ask me what is wrong because I’d have to go through something to put that nasty concoction of ingredients that Betty Crocker whipped up at the last minute because the guests were almost there, and she had nothing else to cook, on my plate. A sandwich is an excellent addition to a Thanksgiving meal if you do not want to stuff yourself completely.
I don’t know if Betty Crocker invited candied yams; it just sounds like something she would invent. Sorry, Betty. I do like your brownies.
6. Betty Crocker’s Milk Chocolate Brownies— A substitute for pumpkin pie
Pumpkin pie has the texture of silicone gel filling with cinnamon spice. I hate the feeling of jello pie in my mouth and do not want it as a dessert. If you put that on the table, you must hate me. There is such a variety of brownies, though. These brownies are the best substitution because they are sweet and flaky.
Even though I hate most Thanksgiving foods, I am forever thankful to have food on my plate every Thanksgiving. However, I wish I were in control, and after reading this, I am sure most people are glad I am not.
