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A picture that reflects the action of reaching for something that appears to be just in front of you but is impossible to grasp.

Remember five minutes ago? We were right over there by that building, talking about how in five minutes, we would be here. Remember?

I regret not appreciating the gift of time. Even the smallest moments with you meant the most to me. Yes, even the ones where we walked side by side in the halls, or where I Facetimed you for just 30 seconds late at night. I have wasted 15 years of my life taking everything and everyone I have been gifted for granted. I wake up each day hypnotized by the fake reality that people will always be glued to me, keeping them in my life for eternity. However, shielded by the image of my firm relationships hides a piece of glass supporting the insecure purpose of my relationship, waiting anxiously to shatter beneath my feet.

I can envision your deep emerald eyes. By now, they are sculpted into the folder of my brain that is dedicated to your name. In the same place, our memories are precautiously held, just in case. I know how fragile friendships are, and the thought of losing ours torments me in my sleep. It is wrong to expect your departure, but how could I not when it is all I have ever known? I obsess over all of the people that I have lost, and maybe, just maybe if I had captured each fragment of the moments I got with them, I wouldn’t feel so guilty for losing them. Maybe I could replay that exact memory, and pretend I am still living it.

Each name carved into the list of people who have left has taken part in damaging my exhausted, lovesick heart. At least I appreciated them while I still had their affection. At least I made sure that their memory would forever stay in my head. Replaying it over and over, they will always live in a place, never to be forgotten. I may find someone new, someone to replace the void they left in me, but the memory of them could never be diminished.

You can not appreciate entirely what you do not hyper-fixate on. You can not remember what you do not force to be important. That is why I remember five minutes ago. I find minuscule gaps in the strands of memories and find a place to incorporate every detail about when they were looking at me and how their gaze met mine as we laughed. I take the time to remember how their face looked because one day, it will be shriveled and weighted with wrinkles that carry our weak memories. I take the time to remember how it feels to hug them, knowing one day I will crave just one more hug. 

You can mock me or tease me for making these constant comments about innocent moments, but wait until the day when you realize what anxious pothole I was falling into. Wait until the day when someone you love walks out of your life. An overwhelming feeling when you are incapable of wrapping your mind around the concept that just five minutes ago, you had them within reach. Only then do you realize that maybe they were farther than you thought all along. 

So, you will never find me not appreciating five minutes ago. After all, that could be the last five minutes I ever get with you.