I had failed.

And I failed hard.

It wouldn’t be so hard If I would just practice what I preach.

Here’s the stitch, I have been performing ever since I can remember. I might as well have come out of the womb doing pirouettes while singing “Broadway Baby.” After more than a decade of auditioning, I have become familiar with rejection. I can’t get everything right one hundred percent of the time, and sometimes I am just plain not right for a project or role. My style of “audition and forget” has become a rule for me in my career, and it’s also something I preach.

“Auditioning and forgetting” is hard when you have much more weighing on your shoulders (there really wasn’t more pressure, every audition should be just as important. I just psyched myself out). Picture this: a new city, a new casting room, a new casting director, a different way of auditioning. I went into this place with a whole different vibe than what I was used to. I went in; I freaked. I royally screwed up, and then I left.

I held back tears walking out of that room; I failed. I failed hard. Going into detail won’t do any good for the situation or the explanation. All anyone needs to know is this could have been the big break, an open door, and a great first impression. After I realized I made the mistakes, I did the exact opposite of everything I teach to people who come to me for advice, coaching, and counsel. I didn’t breathe, I didn’t ask to restart (which is perfectly okay to ask), I wasn’t in character, I don’t even remember saying thank you or maintaining eye contact– which is like breathing to me now at this point.

In the moment, I was so mad at myself. This experience has taught me to practice what I teach. And like I tell the actors who I help guide, that it is okay. You learn, you move on, you grow, and you audition and forget.

In the end, there is nothing to waste your tears on. Failure helps one grow. Next time, I can already feel it in my bones that I will not freeze. I know how to handle the situation– to practice what I preach. Now I’m preaching to others, and hopefully, this doesn’t turn into some huge oxymoron.