I am lost, but I will be okay


Addy Cousins

A blurry photo of the night sky and the road up north when I realized I am truly okay

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’ll start by saying I am immensely thankful for the nine years I had you in my life. 

You quite literally shaped me to be who I am today. I definitely would not be so in shape if it weren’t for you. I keep seeing reminders of you; the simplest thing such as a load of laundry can bring me to tears. I keep dreaming of you; I go for a run and you are on my mind. It is difficult to accept that you used to be in my life every single day, and now, I don’t have you anymore. 

Sometimes, in my dreams, I pretend I still have you, but I wake up and the pain is new. The memory of driving home after losing you and barely being able to form a sentence plays whenever I remember; I wanted to scream until I could never talk again. 

I was—and still am—embarrassed that I lost you. So worried about what others would think, knowing I couldn’t achieve you. I see others who have you still, and I have to force myself to meet their eyes. 

It’s okay. 

I have so much else in my life, and without you, I am gifted more free time. It’s changing the phrase “I lost you” to “I had the chance to lose you.” It’s mentally draining to switch my perspective. I have more time for homework, I can work more, and I can pick up a new hobby that I never would have if you were still with me. 

It will be okay.

But, I still miss you. I made you a part of me, and now you are gone. Gone: it’s hard to say the word, to me. I have always been superb at putting on a show, so when I come to the point of telling someone of your absence, I make it seem easy to talk about; I laugh and point out how it benefits them. It is not effortless. I am tricking my own mind in the process of misleading others. 

It’s changing the phrase ‘I lost you’ to ‘I had the chance to lose you.’ It’s mentally draining to switch my perspective.

I am so tired of missing you. I am exhausted by the effort it takes to put you in the back of my mind. I want you back—part of me seems to be absent without you. I remind myself that we had some really good times and some awful times, but every time, I am thankful for you. 

I am grateful for the chance to be shaped by you, to meet new people from you, to grow friendships with you, to become a new and better person through you, to make life skills with you, and to release so many emotions with you. 

It is hard to know that one day, you will be a funny story or maybe a turning point in some new adventure I embark on. I always knew one day, we would go our separate ways, but I was under the impression that it would be on my own terms when I was ready. I am not ready right now, but I am ready for more thrills even if they are not with you. 

It’s hard to say, but I will be okay.