I want to be her, but I don’t need to be her anymore


Pictures of me from the last 4 years

Something I am really trying to remember lately is that it’s not my job to make you like me. It’s something that, hypothetically, I know, but that I have never really grasped or obtained in my real life because truth be told, I like when people like me. In fact, half of the time I feel the need to be liked. 

I don’t know exactly when or why this mindset started, but it certainly has stuck around for awhile. I can think back to being in second grade even, being a new kid, altering my personality to be closer to the most liked girl in class. 

Dress like her, write like her, talk like her. I don’t think anyone specifically put the idea in my head that I wasn’t good enough. I think it’s something that cultivated in my brain over time, and eventually, through all the moves and the growing up process in general, I got so used to it. Pretending to be the most-liked girl in class became second nature. Like a bad habit or a reflex that you didn’t ask for, but you also can’t break. I’ve been trying to become that girl ever since. 

I tried finding validation in the small things: the random people who choose to talk to me out of nowhere, holding in my true feelings as not to offend anybody, giving out compliments more as a plea for being liked then a genuine reaction—although your hair, or your outfit, or your necklace probably were very pretty. 

But now, as I am graduating in a couple months, and I’ll be sitting around the same people who I’ve been begging to like me for as long as I can remember, I realize the majority of them will never have a say in who I turn out to be. Most of them don’t even care who I turn out to be, and anyone who doesn’t play a part in your future doesn’t deserve a prime position in how you live your current life. 

And it’s simply not my job to try and get you to like me anymore because if you don’t like me now, you certainly never have and probably never will. And this isn’t some excuse to walk around being cruel to people, but it is a reason to stop bringing yourself down in order to earn metaphorical points with people that treat you like a back up plan.