I never thought my senior year would turn out the way it has; I thought it would be easy, compared to standardized testing, nerve-wracking junior year. But this year is channeling me in a completely different aspect, forcing me to question anything and everything, having me wondering “why?” Honestly, why, and what’s the point?

I applied to a few top universities and a few lower ranked universities as well, serving as my “Plan B.” I was accepted to the Plan B’s, but deferred to a few of my tops. Now, I am being forced to look at options I didn’t even want to considered until this past year,  and they are considered “Plan B” for a reason. But because of price and deferral, I am considering these Plan B’s as Plan A’s with not much chance, I have to guide or convince my way towards my Plan A’s. However, I am left constantly wondering why I bothered to put forth so much effort in high school if I would just end up at a university I achieved admission in without much effort?

I’m frustrated at the fact that I have put so much effort towards school to not achieve the opportunity that I have worked so hard for. I have spent too many nights crying about my GPA, worrying about a test or stressing out for no reason to not go to a top ranking university. “I did not do all of this for nothing. I did not do this for nothing.” I tell myself this repeatedly as the demon within me coils and interrogate a reason for my accomplishments confusing and deteriorating me.

I find myself questioning what the point of trying was when I don’t want to be thousands of dollars in debt, only to achieve the education I know I deserve. This decision is leaving me to attend a university that served as Plan B, a cheaper, less competitive university, and a less ranked university.

I’m not saying that students should just give up and stop trying, but I cannot help to think, “Why did I put so much effort into school when the outcome and realities were fogged by my dreams?” I know my worth and I know what I deserve. No matter how self-entitled and ignorant that sounds, I know that I earned an acceptance along with an attendance to a top university. I’m so defeated, and upset with not paying attention to the realities of applying to college, and for not preparing myself to understand that I might not get what I want. I might have to be content with my Plan B. Finally being accepted to a university only to receive a reality check, leaving me wondering why did I have my hopes up when I knew the odds we against me, and that there was a slim chance that I would be able to attend? I guess the power of hope and dreams get the better of us, diluting our realities away.

I am left admitted and deferred in multiple colleges but am wondering what my future holds and I’m scared, scared of not getting what I want. I have goals and dreams that have been held within my mind that I am unwilling to relinquish any sort of grasp from. I’m a confused, scared, girl wanting nothing more than to make her parents proud by being the first generation going to a top ranking university.