Kerri Smith

A picture of me and my “sister” when we were little kids.

I desire the ability to eternally pause time so I can forever remain in a reality where you are not moving away next year. I know it is destined to happen, but if time were frozen it could not possibly carry through. I have come to regret not appreciating the various times I had with you when our time wasn’t slipping out of reach. But now that it is gone, all I am capable of is making the most of what few opportunities we have left to fulfill. 

I always used to fantasize about being your best friend. I aspired to morph into someone that you thought was cool and enough. I craved for you to want me as your best friend. I remember toppling outside and feeling an overwhelming excitement at the opportunity to talk with you and how you made me feel meaningful and noticed. Younger me would doubt even the slightest possibility that you now would consider me as your sister. I can be sure of this because even now, disregarding the journies we have embarked upon together, I am incapable of comprehending how you could have chosen me. I did not know it then, but you have always been my sister. From the moment we met, you have been an indefinite figure in my life. You were there through everything, whether I knew it at the time or not. 

You have been my role model since the time of the first memory I can recall. When you are assigned something, you get it done. No matter how much work you have to do, you will find a way to prioritize it and get the job done. I am in awe of how determined you are to accomplish things. I strive to be as vigorous and strategic as you are.

I admire the way you care strongly about everyone you love. You make it known to them that they matter and share an importance in this vague world. You are known to me as a kind person to all, even the people who I know hurt and bother you. You have a beautiful smile and laugh that compels me with the same entertaining joy. Whether you know it or not, the words with even the least amount of importance still have drastic effects on me.

What petrifies me the most is that I know it is impossible to stop what is coming, and that one day I will look back through my memories and feel envious of the person who had you living right next door, only to realize it was my impetuous self. If only you weren’t older than me. Then you would not have to leave me behind and the shattered remnants of my heart in your car trunk as you drive out of state to begin your new life. Although you are not disappearing forever, I will think of you as an ocean away. 

Thank you for being there for me and being concerned about my well-being. As much as I will need you when you are gone, you are always a phone call away. I am sorry for not appreciating the insurmountable gift of having you in my life since the beginning. I know I would change it within seconds if I could redo it, but alas it is irrevocable. Therefore, I will hold on to the memories I am fortunate enough to have gotten and will always love you no matter how close or far you are from me. 

I love you always.