It is difficult to decipher the difference between love and hate.

It is like balancing on a tightrope, trying to find the perfect median, where everything is equal on both sides.

I find myself falling farther and farther away from love, but I hold on as hard as I possibly can in hoping to not fall all the way down. Some things are easier to hold on to, but there are others that I’m ready to let go of and never see again.

My phone is one object that I am more than eager to throw away. I could be on it for hours upon hours, watching my day slip away. It can come to the point where I just stare at my home screen, since I have already gone through all of my recent feed on social media. 

But for some reason, I cannot bring myself to get rid of it.

I can’t get rid of it. My phone is how I communicate with people. It is my distraction from everything that is going on around me. My phone shows me pictures, videos, and text conversations that make me smile and can even shed some light onto my darker days. 

But I hate it. My phone is what gives me headaches. It can infuriate me to the point where I want to chuck it across my room. My phone is what makes me self-conscious and insecure about myself. My phone makes time go by ten times faster than it normally does. My phone is taking my life away from me.

My phone is not the only thing that is perilously wobbling along the tightrope of love and hate. I have been finding myself contemplating my friendships and which ones are about to fall off of the rope.

The friendships I want are people who listen—people who care. I want us to enjoy each other’s presence. I want us to feel the same way about each other; I want to be their friend as much as they are mine.

But I don’t always feel like I am getting that. I feel like I am only their friend on occasion. The two of us are swinging back and forth, back and forth on the tightrope. There is just one question to ask myself: is it all worth it?

I don’t think it is. I want to break free from what makes me feel unbalanced. I have already deleted TikTok, which is the primary reason I use my phone. I am trying to surround myself with people who I enjoy the presence of. Yes, it may take time, but I am getting there.

Eventually, I will be balanced on the tightrope.