The pieces slowly fall


Driving during a sunset

Sometimes, I feel like I’m having an exceptional day, and I’m in a marvelous mood, and then, a minuscule thing happens and my day is turned into the worst of my life. 

Situations like this happen constantly, and it frustrates me to the point where I want to curl up in a corner and cry. Most times, I don’t realize it has been flipped until after the fact. I think it’s because my life’s falling apart as every minute ticks on. 

I feel like even the perfect days fall apart. 

During spring break, we were going to the happiest place on earth, Disney World, and my outfit that I had been planning for months didn’t look good. From there on out, my mind decided it would be great to have only negative thoughts all day. 

More recently, my family and I went on a short road trip to the store I had been begging to go to for months. We got started late, and it ended up unenjoyable and uneventful. 

Every time life is going well, somehow, I manage to jinx it and it falls downhill. 

Two summers ago, my life was going great until my dog got hit by a car. She turned out to be fine, but the rest of the summer was ruined because we had to constantly be home and take care of her. 

Every time I plan something, it doesn’t go as expected. I planned for this school year to be perfect, one example being getting work done right away and not procrastinating. Instead, I’m left stressing over homework at 11:30 p.m. after a long night of dance or even nothing. 

The whole world is so perfect. People have no problems in life and are always happy. Of course, I know that’s not true, but it sure seems like it is. My friends will talk about how they have a ton of problems going on in their lives, but they still seem so quintessential. My life is always a mess.

Sometimes, I think that I’m doing something wrong with my life. Maybe I am too unorganized, I procrastinate too much, I don’t have the right clothes, or I don’t do the right things. I don’t exactly know what I do wrong, but there must be something.

The whole world is so perfect. People have no problems in life and are always happy. Of course, I know that’s not true, but it sure seems like it is.

I try not to show the fact that I’m falling apart, but it doesn’t exactly work. I keep things together in public, and whenever anyone asks me how I am, I say, “fine.” Once I get home or to somewhere that is not public, everything goes straight down the drain. I lose it. Whether it’s crying or just anxiety, there are moments when I lose it in public, although most times, I hide it by saying something like “I don’t feel good” or “I have a headache.” The only times that I allow myself to lose it in front of people is when it’s only people that I can allow to see me without leading to another breakdown. 

Sometimes, I truly believe my life is put-together, like when I post on Instagram and it’s one of the photos I actually like. I start to get likes and comments, and although it’s a stupid reason to feel good, I enjoy it and think that my life is culminating. I also get the ‘perfect life’ feeling on good days. The days I wear a cute outfit, buy something adorable, get a load of stuff done, or do something that is, overall, positive and productive. 

Even the days when I’m falling apart have their positive parts. When my dog got in her accident, she was okay and is still her joyful self. We ended up putting the craziest Snapchat filters on her and taking photos. On spring break, I still had a satisfactory day, in the end. I got to get a sweatshirt I had wanted forever, and I made some really astonishing memories (and took some astonishing photos). 

I know my life isn’t lamentable. I have a home, a family, friends, a boat, a dog, a lot of stuff, and a lot of opportunities. I take that for granted too often, and I know it. For someone, maybe my life is the ‘perfect life.’ I don’t know, and I probably won’t find out. My life is falling apart, but I think that’s part of life, and it’s another obstacle that I need to get over. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes time to reach there.